The Make-up Inefficacy
by ChaliceInnana
Summary: WARNING SPOILERS SEASON 7 FINALE! Sheldon returns with answers to his questions only to learn that time didn't stand still. Amy finds out what Sheldon did on his summer vacation and begins to find out what his deal is. Read and review. Sheldon begins to find that he doesn't really know how much damage was done.
1. Chapter 1

_Spoilers for Season Seven Finale! I own nothing. I am also currently displeased with several of the people who do own things, including but not limited to Bill Prady, Chuck Lorre and Steve Molaro… _

**The Make-up Inefficacy**

**_Homecoming Miscalculation_**

"I am home." Sheldon said, approaching Amy from the open door of her lab. She glanced up from the brain she was dissecting, raised an eye brow, shook her head and went back to work. "I said, I am home." He repeated cautiously walking toward her, suddenly very aware of the scalpel in her right hand and almost deadly accuracy with it.

"I am aware. Penny invited me the welcome home party." Amy said, not looking up again. "Instead I came here. My work is flourishing."

Sheldon felt certain that was a well-deserved jab, but let it slide so that he could just look at her for a moment. Penny had warned him that Amy had changed a bit over the summer. He didn't like to believe that. But, he could see her hair, though pulled back in her usual work pony tail, was longer, wavier and a shade or two lighter. Her skin looked gently sun-kissed. He would have to address the apparent lapses in her sunscreen usage at some more opportune moment. Her body was hidden by her lab coat, but her bare legs seemed leaner and shiny. As if she might have recently smoothed baby oil onto her skin… He willed that concept out of his mind. "I am glad to hear that." He coughed slightly, trying to find the words to make her put the scalpel down and look at him… "Put the scalpel down and look at me."

Amy stopped her work and stared harder at the brain. "I just know there was a "please, Amy," somewhere in that barrage of orders."

"Please, Amy."

Slowly, she set the scalpel down on the dissection tray, she stripped off her purple examination gloves and tossed them in the bio-hazard container. Then she turned and looked at him, her face devoid of expression. He thought he saw something flash in her jade green eyes, but it was just a flash. "My scalpel is down, I am looking at you." Pause. "You are welcome."

"Yes… Thank you. I know we haven't spoken in a while. Not since you sent the termination addendum to the relationship agreement…" he sounded hurt.

"For cause. You consistently failed to meet the minimum communication requirements. Since you were already delinquent on so many of your other duties and were unavailable to participate in remedial coursework, I clearly had no choice." Amy's blank expression morphed into something more satisfied.

"I spent 4 days in a celluar dead zone…" he began to explain, "I emailed that information to you that after the fact…"

"Three days after you allegedly escaped from this alleged dead zone. Did they allegedly have no landlines?" Amy halted him, "Sheldon, I don't want to get into this. I broke up with you because you were too cowardly to break up with me. It had to be done, I did it. That is all."

"We are not broken up." Sheldon hissed. "I never received the notarized…"

"I didn't have a mailing address!" Amy hissed back. "I was therefore not required to remit…"

"We are not broken up!" Sheldon said in a louder voice. "And I now need to talk to you!"

"Send me a meeting request on Microsoft Outlook!" Amy grabbed another pair of purple gloves and pulled them on, "I might have some free time next week." She said, in a calmer voice.

"Amy, I am home!" Sheldon said, talking a deep breath and touching her arm. "I am home."

She jerked her arm away as though he'd burned her with a cigarette, "Don't touch me." She said pulling back, "I rescind any and all permission given explicitly or implied for any touching between us." He looked shocked and she smiled at seeing that. Then she grew serious again, "I don't know what I am supposed to say about the fact that you say you are home. I don't know what you expect that means to me, now. It's been over four months."

"Amy, I want us to resume our relationship again. I was wrong to take out my frustrations about other aspects of my life out on you." He said. "I used my time away to assess what is important to me and you are important to me."

Amy took a step back, "How thrilling." She said drily. "When you say resume our relationship, do you mean pick up from where we left off?"

"Yes." Sheldon said.

"You mean the point where you shamed me for daring to ask you to entertain the possibility of us having a future together that involved co-habitation, so much so that you mocked the idea of growing old with me?" She asked, "Is that where you want to pick up from?" She smirked when he began to stutter a bit.

"No, not from there. Amy I did apologize for that. You accepted the apology of over the phone!"

"I know. I am just trying to find the point in time from which you want us to resume the relationship. Should we go back before Valentine's Day and pretend you never kissed me? Or shall we go back further still?" she was getting worked up. "Forget it. Just get out of my lab. Just go." She went to her desk and swiveled her chair so she faced the window and worked to slow down her breathing.

"I am ready to commit to our relationship, Amy." Sheldon grabbed a chair and sat beside her.

"Just like the old gypsy woman said?" She asked, looking miserable. "What do you even mean by that? Commit to me."

"I want us to resume our relationship. Only… I would do better this time." He felt her body jerk slightly with something like a sob, but he pressed on. "You wouldn't be the only one… being strong and thoughtful. Generous. You baked a Death Star cake." He raised his hand to stroke a stray lock of hair off her neck, but remembered her forbidding physical contact.

Amy turned and looked at him, "I baked 2 Death Star cakes. The first one was destroyed by the fact that Bernadette and I forgot to flatten the bottom. And we still had to watch 13 hours and 14 minutes of Star Wars movies. Not to mention that you made us watch 6 hours and 55 minutes of prequels that you admit are utter crap just to get to the "good ones!" she felt the ire rise again and she stood up and paced, "and I couldn't say no because you looked so happy at the thought I would say yes. And I loved you so much and I just wanted you to be happy." She sounded on the verge of tears, "and even now you can't say you love me…"

He grabbed her arm and pulled her so she stood in front of him. "Amy I do love you."

She exploded pushing him back with all her might, "Don't lie! And Don't touch me!" She screamed, tears were now falling freely, "I don't want you back. I will not go back to being that pathetic creature that you just abandoned because you didn't care what your leaving would do to her." She angrily waved her hands in front of her face as if trying to cool the hot rage escaping her skin.

"I am not lying…" he said softly. He wanted to hold her so she would calm down… so he would calm down too… "I love you, Amy. Just believe me."

"Words." Amy sighed, sadly. "I never told you I loved you either. But you knew didn't you?" she asked and he nodded. "How?"

Sheldon frowned and thought for a moment, "I just knew. I felt it, maybe. I don't know."

"I gave you love." She picked up the dissection tray and put it away in her freezer. "I loved you and you knew." She stripped off her unused gloves, shoved them in the pocket of her lab coat. She took the lab coat off and hung it up. She walked back to him as she took her long hair out of the pony tail, "If you loved me, you couldn't have hidden it from me."

"I didn't know that I did… or how much I did." He explained distracted by the honey brown waves in her hair, the fact that he could see down the front of her starched white blouse, to the lacy silver bra beneath it. "Where are your clothes, why is your hair different?" He wanted to kiss her almost as much as he wanted to go back in time and wrap her up in a candy pink cardigan and stare at his own reflection in the sleek, shiny surface of her straight hair.

"I've changed, Dr. Cooper." Amy stepped around him and headed to the door, "If you really want me back and you still fear change, you should be shitting your pants right now."

**_Warning. In this story, she isn't just going to fall into his arms. Sheldon's going to have to _****_prove_****_ that he is worth taking another chance on. Amy had an eventful summer also…_**


	2. Let the Storm Rage On

_I own nothing, nothing of BBT (WB) and certainly not any of the lyrics to Let it go (Evil Empire of Disney) which will be the chapter titles for Amy's summer._

**Let the Storm Rage On**

_June 6__st__ 2014_

Emily felt like "girls' night" had been oversold as being actual fun. There also seemed to be a huge disconnect over the purpose of the night's festivities and that seemed absurd to her.

The theme of the night should be making Amy Farrah Fowler forget old what's his name. A fool could see that.

This was hilariously serious. Emily had never met old what's his name and so she kept wanting to call him Sherman. Or Shetland. Or Shylock. She knew it was something a drunk would name a sheep dog.

Bernadette was on board with the more obvious theme, but that Penny girl didn't agree. And apparently Penny was boss. So instead of going to Ladies night at the gay strip club like Emily knew was the cure for dumb ex-boy fiend-itis. They were going to the dumb ex-boyfriend's apartment for jewelry making, boxed wine and waiting by the phone for Old Shep to call.

But Emily was new to the group and she admitted to finding their co-dependent dynamic enticing, so here she willingly sat on a gorgeous Friday night in June, making a charm bracelet out of wire, glass beads and watching that Penny girl get glue and glitter all over herself.

Amy, of course, set the new standard for paleness and silence. At one point, she looked at the wire cutter for a second too long before Bernadette took it from her. Viewing her new friend with the eye of a physician, Emily thought she might need a vitamin supplement, looking at her as a dermatologist she felt compelled to ask, "What the hell do you use on your skin? It's flawless."

This caught the sad eyed woman off guard, "oh, just Clinique. And I always wear sun screen. And I was also in a horrible chemistry accident at Harvard so I will never age."

Penny got excited, "Really?"

"Those are some street smarts." Amy gave the blond a small smile.

Penny stuck her tongue out at her playfully. "You are in a better mood. Did you hear from Sheldon?" Amy's face fell as she shook her head. Bernadette shot Penny a death glare as she went to Amy's side.

"Not today. I've only been hearing from him every other day. It's the minimum amount of required communication when one party is out of town. He won't tell me where he is, still." Amy put her face in her hands, "I am so tired of this. Waiting for him to call and then he calls and he just can't wait to hang up. And the thing is," Amy took a gulp of wine, "this isn't my fault, this is his fault. I am suffering for his crap!"

"Get it off your chest, girl!" Emily grabbed her empty glass and filled it up, "Get it out."

Alarmed, Penny shook her head, "No! When Sheldon comes back, things are going right back to normal. Amy just has to be patient." She petted Amy's head and glared at Emily.

"Oh, for Christ's sake Penny, the last think Amy needs is for things to go back to normal with Sheldon." Bernadette said, putting her arm around the trembling brunette, "You are just trying to make this as easy as possible for Sheldon."

"Listen, I really don't know Shetland's side of this…" Emily began.

"Sheldon," Amy hiccupped.

"I am like Endora from Bewitched, I'll call Sherwood by his correct name when he earns it." Emily winked, "As I was saying, Sherlock is off on his own doing, his thing. Amy is the one we have to get through this and no woman ever got through a break up where they've been fucked over like this, by being nice and sweet and patient and hoping things work out." She made a face at the ridiculousness of the suggestion. "Amy, girl. You need to get mad. You need to rage"

"Does self-hatred count as rage?" Amy asked, miserably.

"No. Amy that's the last thing Sheldon wants. Just stay positive. He just needs to get his head on straight, then he's coming right back to you." Penny said optimistically.

Emily looked over Amy's head at Bernadette, "What is her skin in this game?"

"If Sheldon doesn't have Amy, he might end up living with her and Leonard forever." Bernadette responded angrily, "Penny, just because you and Leonard are weak and can't say no to him doesn't mean you have make Amy suffer for all eternity."

"Amy loves Sheldon!" Penny said, grabbing Amy's hand, "I know you love Sheldon, tell them."

Amy pulled her hand back from her bestie and got to her feet, "I love him with everything I have, but God… Why? Why would I love someone who'll never love me back?" Amy took a step away from the sofa. And pointed at Sheldon's spot. "All night I've been stressing all god damn night about what would happen if someone got glue or glitter on Sheldon's spot." She pulled her shirts out of her skirt on put her hands on her now flat stomach, "Like puking stressed out. All this stress because I could just imagine the spaz attack. I am so tired of being on red alert." She started crying. "Everyone thinks I trapped him into kissing me, that I pushed him into doing it. I didn't, though. He liked it. He wanted to have sex with the night he decided to abandon string theory."

"He did?" Penny beamed.

"Oh." Emily said, looking at Bernadette, "She ships them, right?"

Bernadette nods, "Yes. She's like a twi-hard at times. Only it's for the Shamy."

"Can we focus back on me for a second?" Amy yelled.

"Absolutely." Emily leaned forward to listen intently, "I am LOVING the energy. Take it someplace dark."

"It's fine when he gets drunk. He can slap my ass and then wants to know if I'll switch underwear with him…" Amy panted.

Bernadette held up her hands, "What now?"

"He was mourning his break up with String Theory, so he drank a little less wine than Penny and I had to put him to bed. As soon as the door closed he is buck ass naked except for his tightie whities, he has a huge erection, he's telling me that I should sleep over, we could share a sleeping bag… Did I want to switch underwear? Would I touch his action figure? Could he touch my "boobies?"

"What a freak! I can see why you don't want to lose him." Emily said, enthusiastically.

"If only." Bernadette groused. "He never laid a hand on her. Ever."

"No!" Emily said sitting up right, "You… Amy… are a saint." She stumbled to her feet, "I figured you were in this for the genius sex, but you actually loved this yahoo and he treated you like this?" Amy nodded. The redhead put her hands on Amy's shoulders, "Tell Auntie Em and Cousin Bernie what he wanted to do to you after he asked to touch your boobies?"

An hour later and Amy had to be physically restrained from destroying Sheldon's comic books. Three hours later, the girls were all huddled in front of the television watching "Frozen", singing "Let it Go." and weeping. And promising they were going to go somewhere to build a snowman, just the 4 of them.

Five hours later, Amy called Sheldon's cell phone and left an incoherent message about urine, his spot and boobies. She hated him very much, fuck him very much, good night and best wishes. His very fucking truly, Amy Farrah Fowler.

3 hours later, when the sun peeped its way into apartment 4A, Amy Farrah Fowler smiled at the new day for the first time in forever. She had slept in Sheldon's spot without dreaming of him. And when she paused to think of him, and felt the stab of pain in her heart at his loss, she found she didn't blame herself or hate herself… she blamed him.

With bright eyes she crawled over her two blond besties to her new redheaded bestie, "Emily…" she whispered, "The sky's awake. Do you want to go shopping with Amy?" she sang.


	3. The Fears That Once Controlled Me

_The usual disclaimers: this belongs to all the people I don't know if I trust anymore. Bill, Chuck… Warner Bros._

**The Fears That Once Controlled Me **

Emily loudly offered to drive Amy home from the sleep over and then once she and Amy were safely in the car, she telephoned Bernadette. "Bernadette, get that gorgeous, itty bitty butt down here, we are taking Amy shopping!"

Amy smiled at the dermatologist, "aren't we bringing Penny?"

"No. I don't mean to talk to smack, but I have no control over that part of my personality. Penny dresses like she doesn't have a mirror or the ability to see color. It's like for her dressed up means "get your tits out". You, shopper, are a Harvard graduate. You need to start dressing like one. Also, I saw you change into your pj's what the hell are you doing hiding that ass under all those layers."

"I don't want to talk about it…" Amy whined, knocking her head lightly against the window.

"if this is one of those deep seated emotional issues, we can't solve that today." Emily said, "We are just going to buy you a bunch of new clothes and then hit the spa. I do have a therapist. I'll give you her card."

"Who are you texting?" Amy asked.

"Raj. He wanted to know how girl's night went…" Emily grinned, "I am wrong? I mean, yum he's just so smart and weird! Love it." Amy nodded, with a wistful smile, noticing the text read.

**Raj. Taking AFF for Make over. Need your to remove her clothes from her apartment. Emzzzz**

**With the greatest pleasure, my precious flower. Will make spa appointment for 4 for after 4pm. Raj**

**For 3. Do not tell Lenny about make over! Do not tell Lenny anything! Emzzzz**

**OMG, Lenny! I never thought of that. You are so clever, my ruby. Beauty for 3 and empty closet for 1. Your wish is my command. Raj.**

Amy shook off her wistfulness by the time they hit they hit Nordstrom's. "This is conservative, I know, but we aren't ready to throw you into the slutty mcslutty end of the fashion pool," Emily explained. They made a bee line to the sweet looking middle aged woman named Marcia at the personal shopper desk, explained Amy's needs clearly and within two hours she had what Marcia called the "basics" for a career and casual wardrobe for a single career woman. All of it was built to last and expensive as hell, but the quality was apparent. Marcia also made sure Amy had 3 bras "That actually fit. You girls don't know how to buy bras…"

When Amy hit the door of the store in one of her new "casual" looks. She felt the familiar feeling of dread coming over her. This had nothing to do with Sheldon. This had to do with her own deep need to be unseen, to be unrevealed. Wearing only a green tunic with elbow length sleeves over black leggings and black knee high boots, she wore no cardigan, no skirt to cover the leggings. She was as close to nearly naked as she could be in public.

As she turned to flee back into the store and buy a burka. In the back of her mind, the song from last night played in her mind, "Let it go, Let it go…"

So Amy let it go. She squared her shoulders, let the new bra do its job and walked happily along side her friends. And enjoyed the mall. She wasn't going to hide anymore.

Bernadette watched Amy out of the corner of her eye, she had taken one bag that held a work twin set to carry with her in case Amy needed a cover up. The moment when she saw her friend's face light up with determination and her shoulders go back in pride, that was the moment Bernadette felt finally that Amy would be okay.

Unlike Sheldon Cooper, if Bernadette ever got her tiny hands on him, he'd be as big a mess physically as he was mentally. When she heard that'd he run out on Amy, that he'd left town without saying good bye to her, when she heard the story of how he spoke to Amy the last time she saw him, Bernadette felt rage on Amy's behalf. Rage that Amy either wasn't ready to feel or wasn't capable of feeling, being a pretty calm person in general. Her anger also included anyone who stuck up for him. Happily, Howard's reaction had been to sneer, "well, he better hope she's still here when he "figures" things out." He'd paused, "Who do we know that's awesome we can fix her up with?" Bernadette had funneled her fury into hot Howie loving for his very fine attitude.

She'd gotten into a screaming match with Penny after she'd heard the actress bleat some nonsense about being patient and waiting for Sheldon to sort himself out into Amy's vulnerable head. Bernadette had practically dragged Penny across the hall to her apartment.

"What is wrong with you?" she'd screeched.

Penny had looked confused, "I am trying to help Amy keep it together until Sheldon comes back for her."

"And why as her friend would you want that for her? He treats her like shit! Did you hear the crap he dumped on her the last time they talked?" Bernadette hissed like a snake.

"He's been going through a lot too." Penny said defensively, "Amy chose the wrong time to bring that up. There is blame to go around."

"Oh you are so right! Brilliant observation! We should push her to remain in a relationship where one wrong word will rain verbal abuse and desertion down on her head. God knows that's been so healthy for Leonard!"

"How dare you?" Penny spat, "We are engaged."

"Yeah, anything port in a storm." Bernadette unleashed all the mean she wanted to spend on Sheldon on Penny. "Amy is too good for this crap. If you want to keep whispering that he's worth a damn, that he can make her happy in her ear, just know I am going to be screaming from the roof tops at her that he was never worth this kind of pain and if he hasn't made her happy yet chances are he won't. And I'll have bar graphs and pie charts and power point presentations… Amy's a scientist. I promise, she'll be impressed!"

Now 3 weeks later, Amy was a 31 year old woman, dressed like an attractive 31 year old woman, laughing about the personal shopper being like an affectionate, yet judgmental aunt with a friend she made independently of Sheldon.

Amy was going to make it, Bernadette, felt her eyes well up a little, she was going to be great.

7 hours later Amy arrived home with her multitude of bags, a fresh haircut, a new make-up scheme, a new pair of even geekier glasses and the happy pull of an exhaustion that wasn't induced by despair. There was a note from Raj on her closet door that she hadn't been robbed, that the contents had been removed to make room for the hot new clothes. She resolutely hung everything up neatly, by color and item type. Sheldon probably wouldn't approve of the clothes, but he'd like the attention to organization.

For the first time that day, Amy turned her phone on. There were a flurry of panicked texts from Penny, 2 missed calls from a unknown number and one notification she had an email from Sheldon.

"_AFF,_

_I tried to call, but your phone appears to be powered down. I won't remind you to about the importance of keeping a charged battery with you at all times, for safety, because I know you aware. I managed to reach Penny, she assured me the voicemail message was simply a girls' night prank. I am glad you are finding time for whimsy._

_Be safe, stay healthy. I'll be in contact soon._

_SLC"_

Amy chose not to reply to the missive and she found her buoyant mood weighed down by the email and it sudden concern for her health. What had Penny told him? That she was a suicide risk? Or that she was wasting away into nothing.

Sure… she'd had some dark nights of the soul in the last couple of weeks and, yeah, she'd dropped 10 lbs without diet or excerise… But still. She grabbed her phone, "Penny, you are not allowed to tell Sheldon that I am anything but Fine!" she said firmly as soon as it picked up.

"Actually it is Leonard… Amy, Penny was just worried about you like we are all worried about Sheldon." He said in his comforting voice, nasally voice.

"Leonard," Amy said, softly, "Don't talk to Sheldon about me okay? Don't give me details about what Sheldon tells you either. If we have anything to say to each other, that's what will do. No middlemen. No interfering, do you understand?"

"I do," she heard his voice smile, "but Penny won't. She wants you guys to be back together."

Amy stood up, "You need to prepare her for the fact that might not be what Sheldon decides he wants. It may not be what I decide I want. There are 2 people who get a vote in this. She isn't one. And right now, she is the only one who is optimistic."

"Amy, Sheldon has never said anything that made me think he wasn't coming back to you…"

"Well, now I've said something that will make you think perhaps coming back to me won't be an option that is open to him. Good night Leonard." Amy said, disconnecting the call. She pictured the look of panic on her bespectacled friend's face and rolled her eyes. Leonard and Penny saw her as part of Sheldon, not as a person apart from him. More than that, they saw her as a valuable member of their "Control Sheldon's Crazy" team.

Sadly, Amy realized that losing Sheldon had effectively robbed her of Penny and Leonard friendship too. This was really a full life fuck over, wasn't it?

During the next week, Amy surprised herself. She was able to keep up the new hair and make up routine, she hadn't reverted back to bad bras and her old clothes. She'd become more comfortable with not being invisible, she still didn't like it much, but she was getting used to it. She had shed all obvious signs she was mourning the loss of Sheldon. He wasn't dead, she wasn't his widow and life did in fact go on.

Whatever pangs of loss, loneliness and longing she might experience in the depth of her heart, were Amy's to bury as she saw fit. And she would do so.


	4. Chaos Expansion for Three

_Usual disclaimers. Much love to Chuck Bill and warner bros. I own nothing._

**Chaos Expansion**

Sheldon walked into apartment 4A, quietly fuming and glared at Penny and Leonard, who were placidly drinking wine at the island, "Does anyone want to further expand upon the thesis that Amy might be "a little standoffish" at first?"

"Yeah, about that," Leonard bit his lip, "Yeah, we really had no idea how she'd react. Standoffish was pretty much a wild ass guess." Pause, "We thought she might be over-come at the sight of you and melt. That was a long shot."

"So it was worse than standoffish?" Penny pulled her patented pained yet sympathetic face, "Well, Amy did break up with you… I guess it's not that surprising."

"Amy did not break up with me. She did not go thru the proper channels, no paper work was served, signed or filed. She is still my girlfriend within the confines of the agreement she herself signed!" Sheldon declared with loud and false confidence.

There was an ominous knock on the door. Sheldon stood looking at Leonard and Penny. Their eyes were wide as they stared back with their mouths agape. The knock sounded again. They all ran behind the island.

"Should we pretend we aren't here?" Penny whispered, holding her wine glass in front of her like a shield.

"Yes." Sheldon hissed.

Leonard rolled his eyes at the pair and started to go to the door. Penny quickly tried to trip him and Sheldon grabbed the back of his hoodie and yanked. After that he was dragging them both towards the door. "I am coming…" Leonard yelled, "I am trying to climb over and evade THE CRAZY PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY APARTMENT!" At that, both released him and he fell face first into the door. Glaring over his shoulder, Leonard opened the door, and stepped out into the hall, speaking in a calm voice while Penny and Sheldon stood paralyzed with fright. Leonard's voice grew louder. "Fine! I'll take it! But you are a disgrace to document couriering arts and sciences!" He came back into the apartment. He held up and thick envelop and tossed it to Sheldon who caught it reflexively.

"What is it?" Penny asked.

"Sheldon just got served with the official termination blah blah." Leonard said wearily, "Apparently, Amy made a bee-line for wherever you find determined assholes like that one. I am guessing that kind of place also has a notary."

"No!" Penny whined looking at Sheldon with sympathy and dread, then she looked back at Leonard and mouthed 'FIX THIS'. She waved her arms around to indicate the apartment.

"I have 3 days." Sheldon announced, after reading the first page. "I either have to sign it or the termination is automatic, but I have 3 BUSINESS DAYS…" his eyes lit up, "Today is Wednesday, but it is after business hours. Today doesn't count. Tomorrow counts." Sheldon began to pace. " Thursday is day one, Friday is day two. Saturday and Sunday don't count. I have until 5:30pm PDT on Monday to make her take me back." He said to his friends looking mildly manic. "You'll help me right?"

Leonard looked at his fiancée who nodded determinedly, "We are in! How do we get her back?"

"We have to get by Emily and Bernadette," Penny said, angrily, "they are the reason Amy got so riled up in the first place."

"To be fair," Leonard noted, "Sheldon did run out on her without saying good bye and then act super distant in all communication causing her to be really miserable. He started it."

"Two wrongs don't make a right, Leonard." Penny said, dismissively, "We just need to convince her that he's sorry he caused her pain, he's learned from this experience and he loves her."

"She doesn't believe I love her," Sheldon looked less confident, "She rescinded my permission to touch her. And implied that she's changed so much I should be quote shitting my pants unquote. What haven't you told me? What haven't I found out from stalking her on Linked in, Twitter, Facebook, Vine and Instagram? Is there someone else?"

Leonard and Penny exchanged glances and Leonard spoke, "We aren't sure. We don't thinks so. Probably not."

Sheldon's eye brows raised to alarming heights on his forehead, "Probably not? You aren't sure? How is that possible?"

Silence.

"Haven't you been taking care of her?" Sheldon asked looking shocked, "I asked you to look after her."

"She wouldn't let us!" Penny said, defensively. "Amy thought we weren't on her side. She got all paranoid."

"Why would she think that you weren't on her side?" he asked, "Amy has never exhibited any paranoid characteristics, why did she think you weren't on her side?"

"Because," Leonard spoke up, "We defended you! And she thought we were talking to you about her behind her back."

"You were." Sheldon said, "You told me everything she ever said to you. But not lately. Because she doesn't tell you things anymore?"

"Are you blaming us?" Penny asked, looking confused.

Sheldon stood up, "I asked you to take care of her. I didn't ask you to defend me. I ran out on her without explaining myself, I acted like an angst-ridden beatnik poet for 4 months. If you'd done like l asked, you'd be able to help me." He pondered, "Do you see her at all? Who is taking care of her?"

"I eat lunch with her at work a few days a week." Leonard said. "We took her to brunch 2 weeks ago…"

"Penny, do you still see Amy, just the two of you?" Sheldon asked.

"Of course! We got our nails done last Saturday and had lunch." The blond was defensive.

"But she doesn't come here? Just to hang out?" Sheldon asked, looking at them both bewildered, "Did you let her know she was welcome to come here and hang out? Amy would have needed to feel she was welcome."

"We were kind of busy with wedding plans and she was kind of a third wheel." Penny hedged, "But that only happened a couple of times."

Sheldon grabbed his messenger bag after he placed the document in the middle draw of his desk, "Who was taking care of her when you two abandoned her?"

"Don't accuse us of abandoning her!" Penny yelled, "You left her, we just kicked her out of the apartment a few times."

"The others have." Leonard said, looking guilty. "Bernadette and Emily, Raj's girlfriend. Also her new team at the University, I think she is bonded with them as well. Also, I know she runs with Mrs. Evans from HR every morning before work."

Sheldon nodded. "Is Bernadette angry with me?"

"Fuck yeah." Penny said, resentfully. "I got to take all that heat. You're welcome, by the way."

"You took that heat because you didn't' take care of Amy. You tried to fix things." Sheldon said, angrily. "If you'd just agreed that I was acting like an immature ass and that she didn't deserve to feel the way I made her feel, you would have been fine. Because it was true! I treated her badly! I handled everything wrong! Amy stopped hanging here because you apparently told her she wasn't welcome and when you did see her, you lied to her." He took a deep breath and headed out the door.

"Where are you going?" Leonard called.

"To talk to someone who might know what the hell is actually going on!" Sheldon yelled as he walked out the door.

As soon as the door shut, Penny gulped her wine, "Can you believe he talked to us like that?" She glared at the door.

"Yes. I can." Leonard said, looking guilty, "We were only thinking of ourselves. How we wanted our lives to be. That we wanted Sheldon living in 4B and we needed Amy to convince him. And that we wanted Amy to keep control over him." He poured himself more wine, "I eat lunch with Amy and she is almost a stranger now. That sucks. I miss the Amy that would tell me things I didn't want to know. This is our fault too. We drove her away from us."

"You mean it's my fault." Penny said angrily, "What you mean is that I pushed her away. I didn't know how to handle this break up, so I acted like it hadn't happened or I blamed Amy? Which is why I currently," her voice raised an octave, "Have no bridesmaids."

"Did Amy pull out?" Leonard asked, his eyes wide.

"No." Penny's eyes filled with tears, "she wouldn't do that to me, but she wants too. And Emily took Amy! She's her bestie now. You can't have 2 besties!"

Leonard pulled his fiancée into a hug, "You miss her, I know you. Tell her that. You were her first bestie," he kissed her cheek, "that's special to her."

"You think? Should I try while Sheldon is trying?" she asked. "is that too much?"

"Try what? You are going to tell her you miss her and want to hang out with her. You can do that in one visit without bending her to your will. Sheldon's is the one who has work to do."

Across town, Sheldon hesitated before knocking on the door of a condo. Taking a deep breath, he proceeded, [knock, knock] "Bernadette"[ knock, knock] "Howard" [knock, knock] "Bernadette and Howard."

The door swung open and there stood the tiny microbiologist clearly on the verge of turning into She-Hulk at the wrong word. "If you are looking for Amy, she's not here."

"Good. Because I need to talk to you." Sheldon said, daring to enter the apartment without express permission from the little blond rage monster.

_**Bernie is back y'all! She's going to tell Sheldon how it is!**_


	5. The Meeting Negotiation

_I own nothing. BBT belongs to Bill, Chuck and WB. I don't own My Boyfriend's back either, but it's pretty badly mangled… enjoy!_

**The Meeting Negotiation**

Bernadette closed the door behind him. She stared silently at him, which greatly unnerved him, as she intended no doutbt.

"How are you, Bernadette? You look well." Sheldon said, hoping polite conversation might help.

"Peachy." She said softly, with narrowed eyes, "How was your journey of self-discovery? Did you get your head together?"

"I reached many conclusions, I feel well rested." Sheldon replied. He, at once, sensed that wasn't the correct answer because Bernadette again replied.

"Peachy." She stared at him a bit longer, "Did Amy refuse to take you back? Is that why you are here?"

"I am here because I thought Leonard and Penny understood what I meant when I asked them to look after Amy. Apparently, they didn't understand that meant look after Amy, not trying to fix things or forcing her to remain positive about my actions."

Bernadette smiled the smile of the deeply unamused. "Oh, they misunderstood?"

"Yes. I never asked them to side with me against Amy. I am at fault for leaving, I had my reasons, but they had nothing to do with anything Amy had done, failed to do or had any control over. It sounds like you and Raj's new girlfriend took far better care of her then Leonard and Penny did. So one reason I am here, is to thank you for protecting Amy and keeping her from being too unhappy."

The little blonde was taken off guard for a moment, "I did it because I care about Amy and I could stand by and watch her suffer and blame herself. Emily and I gave her space to vent."

Sheldon nodded, "I thought that Leonard and Penny understood that's what I wanted them to do." He frowned, "But then they caused her to feel that she wasn't welcome at the apartment and then they told me every word she said to them… I really thought they'd look after her… "

"Back up." Bernadette said, getting her rage back on, "Yeah, Leonard and Penny spent the summer sucking, but don't push this on them. You are the one who was supposed to care for Amy. You dropped her like a hot rock, left with no good-bye, hopped a freight and rode the rails like a hobo for four months…"

"I had an Amtrak ticket! I didn't hop a freight. I wasn't a hobo. I slept indoors, I did not eat more beans than usual, and I carried my belongs in my messenger bag, not tied in a handkerchief attached to a bindlestick."

"Thank you for the lesson about how not to be a hobo… you… you… you hobo!" Bernadette spat. "What about dropping that lovely woman like a hot rock? What about no good-bye? You can't deny the accuracy of that, can you? Or the awful way you left things the last time you saw her, the horrible things you said to her? Are you going to deny those things?" She yelled into his face.

"No! I am not!" he yelled back at her, before slumping down on the sofa, "That is part of the reason I had to leave. I wasn't able to treat her right. But I need to explain to her why that was and how it can be different now. I need some time to talk to her. Face to face." He plead to Bernadette.

"Wait. You want me to convince Amy to listen to you? In the same room?" Sheldon nodded, "For what possible purpose?"

"So she'll cancel the termination notice that she sent me and we can re-instate our relationship. And put this all behind us." Sheldon said as if that were what everyone would want.

"Whoa!" Bernadette held her hands up in front of her and sat down, "Why would I encourage that? That relationship wasn't so good for Amy, anyway. And she's doing great without you. Have you taken a look at her? The clothes, the hair… The ass on that girl?! Have you heard about the new team she's on at Caltech? It's flipping amazing what they are doing! It's so cutting edge. And as for her being tied to a relationship… who says she's in the market for one?" Bernadette raised a wicked eyebrow.

Sheldon felt all the blood in his body flow to his face, making it hot, throbbing, blotchy, twitching, cherry-colored mess, biting the inside of his cheek, "Is Amy seeing someone else?"

The blond leaned back and smiled, "Well, Dr. Cooper, that is not my tale to tell. Although, I will say this, there's been no shortage of interested parties."

"I see." He tried to control his breathing. "I knew that this was a possible consequence that I might have to deal with on my return. I prepared myself… That my Amy might…" suddenly he put his head between his legs and started panting, "Crap, crap, crap."

Bernadette frowned, the last thing she wanted was Sheldon puking and hyperventilating all over her living room, "Fine. Whatever. She's not sleeping with anybody."

Sheldon took a deep breath and looked up and smiled. "Okay. What about kissing?"

"Her social life is a total tonsil hockey tournament." Bernadette smirked, seeing him about to re-enter his panic state, "She's casually dating about 3 guys."

He looked confused. "3 separate guys? Why would Amy need three guys? To date?"

"Variety is the spice of life? She hasn't been to the same restaurant twice in the last 2 months… They are each suited to different social occasion." Bernadette said, tauntingly, "It's fun for having date night be more than every other Thursday…"

"I need to talk to Amy." Sheldon said, seriously.

Bernadette grinned, "Oh, What the hell?" She lunged out of her chair, "Look at you. You're no match for her at this point." She dug out her cell phone while Sheldon discretely fished out his own. As she dialed Amy's new number the one even Leonard and Penny didn't have, Sheldon cloned Bernadette's phone.

In her new house, Amy sprawled on her bed, like a human starfish, fully clothed, staring blankly at her ceiling. There was an empty bottle Riesling on her bedside table and she began was singing,

"_My boyfriend's back and I am totally in trouble, _

_hey now, hey now my boyfriends' back. _

_If I were me I'd take a permanent vacation… _

_Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere with bees._

_Hey, you know he won't be comin'_

_Bees! they always send him runnin'!"_

Her phone rang. It was Bernadette's ring tone, a punk rock version of "I feel pretty". "What's up Bernadette," Amy was aware she sounded massively depressed.

"Hello, sunshine. Guess who is sitting in my living room?" Bernadette said brightly.

"Sheldon." Amy said sitting up.

"You are a good guesser. He wants to see you… he's trying to… grab my phone! Back off Stretch!" Bernie screeched.

Amy held the phone away from her ear, "Bernie, she held the phone to her mouth. Put Sheldon on the phone?" she heard a small scuffle on the other end. Sheldon's voice calling Bernadette a badger, Bernadette's telling Sheldon she would drop him, like a bag of dirt. Then Sheldon yelped in pain.

"Amy," Sheldon said. She could hear him wince. "You are hard to get in touch with. We need to speak immediately"

"I am very easy to reach if I wish to be speak with someone, and I trust you received the requested documentation this afternoon?" Amy asked willing the Riesling out of her voice.

"I did not request those documents!" Sheldon said shrilly, "That is beside the point, I have 3 business days in which to explain myself , to convince you that you should void the termination notice and to agree to become my girlfriend again."

"You plan on doing this before end of business on Friday?"

"Monday." Sheldon grinned into the phone, "Today doesn't count, your courier was tardy."

Amy hit herself in the head with the butt of her hand, she'd given him the damn weekend? Stupid. "It doesn't matter, I have plans this weekend."

"With one of your three suitors?" She could hear that Sheldon was no longer grinning.

"Three?" Amy pondered.

"Bernadette was incorrect? You don't have that many?" he asked.

"I am just trying to figure out who she counts as a suitor." Amy laughed drily. "When do you purpose us meeting?"

"Right now." Sheldon offered, "I'll be right over."

"I moved. You don't know where… yet." Amy smiled. "If you can find my new address, you may pick me up to take me to out dinner at 6:45 tomorrow evening. If not… then we won't have a chance to talk."

She heard Sheldon's voice lower an octave, "I'll find you, Amy."

"Perhaps Dr. Cooper. Goodnight." Amy hung up the phone.

"You realize, Tomorrow is date night, don't you Dr. Fowler?" Sheldon asked, "You've re-instated it. Sweet dreams."

"Don't get any ideas, it's NOT DATE NIGHT!" Amy said, quickly, but he'd already hung up. She'd talk to him, but if that ass tried to put his mouth anywhere on her body, she was going to mace him.

3 suitors? Where did Bernie get that number?


	6. No Rules For Me or a Tale of 3 Suitors

_Usual disclaimers. I also didn't know Emily's last name, so I went Irish._

**No Rules For Me or a Tale of 3 Suitors**

_June 23__rd__ 2014 Sexy Boss_

Amy walked into the newly set up lab, "Dr. Montavon!" she called. She appeared to be alone in the lab. Grinning, she began to snoop a little. Imaging machines, Holographic projectors! This was Batman's biology lab! Amy wondered if she was suitably dressed. She was wearing a sweater dress with a jacket over it and riding boots. Like a floozy, she heard her mother's voice. Yesterday, she'd gotten an interoffice message to stop down for a quick chat with Dr. Tim Montavon. Not a job interview, a quick chat. Perhaps floozy was more appropriate. She was a month and a half away from seriously having to go back to UCLA.

Seriously, they meant it… more then they meant it on January 15th, March 1st and May 12th.

Caltech had been seriously dangling shiny objects in front of her eyes to lure her into staying. The latest of which was Dr. Tim Montavon and his nano-technology.

"Dr. Fowler?" a man in a lab coat, covered in viscous fluid appeared, "Apologies. A beaker broke. Slime everywhere. It's like a curse." His accent was hard to place, like French Irish with just a hint of German?

"Let those of us who haven't accidently drenched ourselves in syphilis-tainted brain stem fluid cast the first stone." Amy smiled nervously, hating that her voice had gone so robotic. Down robo-Amy! She thought viciously.

"I made the mistake of going to a summer session undergraduate lab." Dr Montavon said, shaking his head, "As if I don't know better."

"What could have possessed you?" Amy quizzed him, "Are you looking for undergraduate assistants?" because ew and no, Amy thought.

"God no! looking Graduate level lab slaves." He smiled, as he struggled to get his lab coat off without getting any on his shirt and dress slacks. As he struggled, Amy took in the view. Not a bad view. Dr. Montavon was in his early 40's, dark hair starting to go a little silver, about 6 ft tall, and muscular. But not like he worked out, like he pulled a cart for a living with his bare chest. "Dr. Fowler, how much do you know about what my team is going to be doing here at Caltech?"

Amy snapped out of the shirtless cart pulling fantasy, "I know that your funding comes from the government endowment for the Brain Activity Mapping Project, I know that you're team consists of one of the foremost nano-engineers from MIT. In the interest of honesty, a friend of mine went to school with him. We played darts last week. I also know you are almost a year late in getting your research started, so if you do hire anyone immediately, it will be essential that they add instant value."

"Would you add instant value, Dr. Fowler?" Dr. Montavon asked leaning against his desk.

"That and more. My research on fear in primates would be available to your team as well, my research in addiction studies is well documented. If you need someone to interact with test subjects, conduct meaningful behavioral research and to dissect specimen brains to review findings, I am your best bet in the greater Los Angeles area. I am also here, I don't want to brag, but location, location, location." She mirrored him by leaning against a dissection table.

"You are smart ass." Dr. Montavon smiled, "We'll be friends. Now call me Tim and tell me you will accept the job offer I plan to extend to you."

By the time Amy returned to her apartment that night, she'd verbally agreed to a 3 year contract, with a sizable raise and an attractive signing bonus. And she'd developed a bit of a crush on that smoothing talking Swiss Irish hunk of yum, Tim Montavon. Unbeknownst to her, the feeling was very mutual.

_June 24__th__ 2014 Chicken Soup for the Soul_

Amy hadn't really told anyone her news. First of all she hadn't gone to work. Instead, she'd driven to UCLA to officially tender her resignation. They'd offered to meet the salary signing bonus, but could not offer anything even close to the amazing opportunity to expand the scope of her research. So she parted ways with the University she'd been working at since she got her PhD. It was bittersweet.

She wanted to call Sheldon, but she also wanted to believe he'd be excited for her. A nagging suspicion lingered within her whether that was possible give the state of his own career. Given the nature of their current communications, Amy sent him an email that coolly laid out the nature of her new position and the goals of the research she'd would be conducting. Also, that she had committed to Caltech for 3 more years. Given his current lack of confidence in Caltech, she may have just driven the stake thru the heart of the vampire of their love.

"Love." She scoffed to herself, "this is what love is. Me being terrified to call with good news and sick to my stomach when I send an email." She sat at the computer, hoping for an immediate response, knowing the days of Sheldon responding to her every missive in seconds were far behind them.

It didn't matter, tonight she was going to spend with Mrs. Wolowitz. Stuart was a very devoted live in companion to Debbie, and Amy felt he should have a night off now and again. She understood why Howard and Bernadette had trouble carrying for Debbie, but she thought they could have been more considerate of the fact that she was a lonely person in a lot of pain.

Despite the best efforts of her friends, Amy related to being a lonely person in a lot of pain. She took one more peak to see that Sheldon hadn't emailed her back and frowned. She shook her head, grabbed the goodie bag she'd put together for her weekly girls night with Debbie and headed out the door.

As soon as she left, her laptop pinged to notify that an email had been received.

Stuart answered the door with a big smile, "Amy! Come up, Debbie and I are a watching Jeopardy. Come, kick our asses." Seeing, Stuart so buoyant, put a smile on her face, so when she entered the room, all over Sheldon induced frowns had fled.

"Amy, hon! What's in the bag?" Asked the large woman in the hospital bed, "Something fun?" The last few weeks, Debbie had gotten to know the young scientist pretty well. At least well enough to think Sheldon was a schmuck to leave a jewel like her.

"Well, I have organic facials, so that's happening and I downloaded a copy of Born to be Bad for us to watch during. You said it was Joan Fontaine's worst performance." Amy smiled, "And I brought you some gluten free food. I really think you show signs of celiac disease. I also made us gluten free brownies."

"You are a darling! But brownies are the last thing I need!" Debbie said regretfully.

"I only brought one for each of us. It's a treat. I had some good news this week…" Amy proceeded to share her career news.

"That's so exciting!" the older woman enthused. "But this is how you celebrate? Visiting shut ins?" She shook her head and looked at Stuart, who shrugged back at her.

"Hey, I am a weirdo. Don't try to change me." Amy smirked, sitting in the arm chair next to the bed.

"That's not an excuse. Look how pretty you look tonight!" Debbie said loudly, "Stuart, put on a nice shirt, you are taking Amy out to dinner. On me." Stuart flushed red.

"But I don't want to commandeer Stuart's evening off, he probably has plans." Amy said, "And I was looking forward to slathering live yeast and avocado on my face. While watching Joan Fontaine try to vamp it up."

"You can, but go have a nice meal first. Have some wine, toast your success, then come back here with a lovely item from the take out menu…"

Sensing, she had no choice, Amy looked at Stuart, "Change your shirt."

After the couple left the house, Debbie pondered that her two wounded birds would be good for each other. Oh, it wasn't written in the stars, but they could help each other build their strength up so maybe later they could both fly again.

They had decided to walk to Old Town to eat, "How much did she give you?" Amy asked.

"200 bucks." Stuart replied. "If we can bring this in under budget, I can maybe get my hair cut at Fantastic Sam's instead of the barber college."

Amy laughed, "I'd tell you I would pay, but then you'd give the money back and Fantastic Sam's would be just a fantasy." Stuart smiled at her and offered her his arm. With a head toss, she took it.

"How are you doing?" Stuart asked in that ever-so-slightly funeral tone Leonard, Penny and Raj sometimes used to show her they were sensitive about her broken heart. But it some always felt like rubbing salt in the wound. That wasn't Stuarts overt or covert intention, so she spared him the death glare.

"How do I look?" She smiled brightly as Emily had taught her to do when approached by a man.

"You look beautiful." Stuart suddenly chose to stare at his shoes, "but I know how hard Sheldon's leaving must have been for you."

Amy shrugged, "It was at first. I cried non-stop for weeks. Except when I talked to Sheldon on the phone, then I just went with grave and concerned. But I've turned a corner, Stuart. I haven't cried in public in weeks, last week I only cried myself to sleep 2 nights out of 7. I am on the mend."

"Can't you tell him to come home. That you miss him." He asked.

"I don't know." She said sadly, no one had asked what she could do to fix this. The advice was be patient and do nothing or END IT NOW! "I already feel so powerless. I don't know if begging is the answer."

"We talked before he left." Stuart said, "He said you loved him so much you wanted to live with him."

"Oh, he knew then." Amy said, darkly, "I guess I have my answer whether the feeling was mutual."

"Amy, you know it was." Stuart said.

"Stuart…" Amy said mockingly, "no, I really know nothing of the sort. Sheldon is going to come back when he comes back. He'll either run out of money or miss his spot or need a reference manual. He'll come back. I know that for sure. What I don't know is if he is coming back for me. Or if I'll still love him if does."

"I am sorry this happened to you, Amy. You are a great lady, and you deserve to be happy."

"Thank you, Stuart, I forgot what is was like to talk to a man without having to lie about what I feel."

"Could we do this more often?" Stuart asked, "Go out to dinner?"

Amy stopped him, and turned him to face her, "Are you asking me for regular dinner dates?" She smiled. His eyes began to dart around, "Because if you are, I'd like that a lot.

_7/4/14 The marrying kind_

Raj looked at his gorgeous girlfriend in disbelief and in awe. She was bold and did not care if he blew apart the social structure of his group.

"It's not going to blow up the social structure of the group." Emily smiled, "It will enhance it"

"By fixing Amy up with your widowed brother?"

"Yes. I have an 8 year old niece that's been asked for a new mommy for the last three Christmases. When Amy first messaged me on your behalf, all I could think was "New Mommy for Ellie". Ph.D. from Harvard, harpist, quilter? Check, check… super check. And she took pity on her social awkward friend? A sweetheart, too! She's a catch! She belongs in my family, I am keeping her… if she can stand the sight of him. He's a ginger."

"You're a ginger and you are gorgeous, baby" Raj went in for a kiss.

"Damn right, Mister." She slid her arms around his neck and made his head spin, "But I am a lady. My grandfather put it this way. God crowned me with rubies and my brother looks rusted. I had a cousin who is a ginger, "fucking girls. It's a good think when your carpet matches the drapes. For us it looks like our dick is hiding in a carrot patch."" Emily laughed, "Oh, God, I can't let Amy meet the extended family. I swear except for the red hair. The immediate family is okay, but is like we are a different species from the cousins. God damn it, I want a cool sister!"

"So you are counting on the fact that Amy as a virgin won't know to be terrified of the carrot patch in your brother's pants?" Raj asked, going for the suave look.

"Lord willing," Emily held up crossed fingers. "I know it's a long shot, but I just want Amy to meet him. He's funny, he's handsome, he's a professor of Applied Economics at USC… he's got that tortured widower just trying to raise his little girl on his own vibe…"

"I am not going to lie. He sounds hot."

Amy stood in the lobby of Emily's building and dialed up to her apartment as a tall man with dark auburn hair and freckles, waited for her to finish. He had a red-haired little girl holding his hand. The girl gave Amy a gorgeous gap toothed grin, and she grinned back. She hung up the phone. "Here, you make your call, my friend must be away from her phone for a second." Amy stepped back, the man quickly checked her out as he took her place by the phone. Leaving Amy to think, 'in front of your daughter? Really? Creep.'

"I am Ellie. My real name is Eleanor, but we are saving that for later." The little girl said, as she tugged on the hem of her Amy's Bermuda shorts.

"What happens later, Ellie?" Amy asked, smiling at the girl.

"I become president of the United States or major league baseball pitcher." Ellie said, staring up into Amy's eyes.

"Those are very divergent career paths, Ellie," Amy said, falling in love a little.

"Auntie Emily isn't answering her landline," the man said rejoining the group.

Amy looked at the glass door, Auntie Emily? Then she shook her head in amusement, "what apartment does Auntie Emily live in?'

"12C," Ellie's father smiled charmingly.

"I am Amy Farrah Fowler, Emily's friend, I think we were going to Catalina together today."

"I am Dan Reardon and this is my daughter the effervescent, Ellie." He reached over and shook her hand.

The widower? Now him checking her out seemed more poignant than creepy. As the hand shake too just a few seconds too long, Dan and Amy held eye contact and smiled.

Interesting.


	7. Chasing Amy

_I own nothing except the underdeveloped bacherlors number 2 & 3. Tim and Dan. Hail Chuck and Bill._

**Chasing Amy**

It was 2am and Sheldon didn't feel great about data mining the clone of Bernadette's phone for info on Amy, but he was being forced into it by the specters of 3 looming replacement boyfriends. The cloning process had overridden any password protection for Bernadette's text messages and camera gallery. Her emails and voicemails were protected and unmolested. For now.

Once this unpleasantness was over and she wasn't acting like a Tasmanian Devil in a blond wig, Sheldon was going to have a word with Bernadette about phone security. It would happen after he'd forgiven her for punching his thigh. She'd been aiming for his stomach, but she was so tiny. And mean.

He took into account the possibility that Queen Badger was just trying to torture him by intimating that Amy had been kissing 3 other men. On the bright side, numbers indicated Amy hadn't made up her mind yet. If she'd made up her mind, she might have felt obligation to stay with the interloper…

The months that he'd been gone had been spent thinking about things he usually pushed out of his brain. Loop Quantum Gravity, Bioengineering, what Amy meant by living together vs what it would actually mean, whether Neil Tyson-Degrasse could ever truly replace Carl Sagan and his speech impediment, Amy finding love in arms of a man who was less panic-prone then himself… the role of the popular scientist in making knowledge digestible to the masses.

That last thought had made a huge impact. At the suggestion of Stephen Hawking, Sheldon looked for a way to elevate his name recognition with the general population. If the gambit was successful, Caltech would allow him to work on whatever he wanted. He'd spent time writing an accessible book about Physics in Warfare. Seibert had read it, loved it and submitted it for publication at a non-university press. In short he was going back to work, in string theory, for now. It was fine. Sheldon needed to concentrate on other things.

Like tracking down his erstwhile girlfriend. With a resigned sigh, he began to scan through Bernadette's gallery folder. He pulled up the whole things as thumbnails in case Howard sent "dick pix" to his wife or they felt the need to photograph their marital relations… Shudder. He found what he wanted quickly, a picture of Amy standing in front of small house, smiling proudly holding a "SOLD" sign in her hands. He pulled up the pictures with the same date stamp and uploaded them to his lap top. Then another series of pictures caught his eye. They were form earlier in the summer. They looked to be of Amy alone trying on clothes. He spotted a few with her trying on bras. He uploaded them as fast as possible.

Those were for later. First he had to find out where his girl lived. It looked familiar.

Less than 2 miles from where Sheldon sleuthed, Amy entered her kitchen. The kitchen was the first room of the house she'd rehabbed. She put her kettle on the modern yet antique looking stove and heated some water. She opened her tea box and selected one bag of sleepy time tea and one bag of chamomile. She didn't know why she still used 2 teabags. The only person whose mind it blew was Sheldon. And they hadn't had tea in almost 18 weeks. A long time to drink all your tea alone. The kettle whistled and Amy looked down at her nightie, "This old thing?" she flirted with the kettle, "I only wear such revealing night wear in case of a fire. I am hoping to lure a fireman who loves flannel." As she poured the water in the cup, she muttered, "I am going nuts. He's been back less than 24 hours and he's already driven me CRAZY!"

As she let the tea steep, she pondered who her 3 suitors might be. Stuart? He was her excuse to not eat alone one time a week and her date for group functions. They spent a lot of time talking about increasing their self esteem and positivity. There was occasional crying. It was very therapeutic. Therapeutic is not romantic.

Dan Reardon? That was over before it started. He was still deeply in mourning for his late wife but he had just started to become physically desirous of female company not his daughter or sister. 4 dates and 4 kisses represented 4 times he burst into tears calling his dead wife's name. Had Amy forgotten to tell Bernadette that she and Dan and decided not to see each other any more. Emily had been mortified. She'd taken her brother's horniness to mean he was ready to move on. She'd thought 5 years a long enough time to mourn a woman who been a total bitch. So Emily plead with Amy, saying maybe with some hypnosis… and a traumatic brain injury… Amy told her friend it wasn't going to happen, but that Dan was easily the highest quality man a fellow human being had ever set her up on a date with no algorithm being involved.. So Emily still was kind of the winner. Yay?

This made Emily sadder, so the doctor had pulled out some weapons grade medical marijuana and insisted the time to party was now! They made many cookies and invited the Wolowitzs, Raj, and Stuart to Amy's casa for a night of feigned cheerfulness and a Twilight marathon. Also there was an impromptu harp/bodhran (Emily's instrument of choice) concert. If memory served, they'd played an AC/DC medley followed by a stirring , and completely stoned rendition of "He ain't heavy, he's my brother," by Emily. Made more poignant by the fact that she did not know the words and pretended she was speaking Gaelic..

Back to her pack of lovers…Tim? Amy blushed slightly, "That might have been fun." But the sexy bastard was her boss. And like all the most brilliant scientists, he was a total egomaniac. They'd never really dated, they just went out for team happy hour every Monday, and played paintball one Saturday a month. Montavon was very handsome and sexy, but he was not the most bad ass neuro-scientist in the lab. Not by a long shot. Amy smiled and threw her teabags in the garbage. It had only taken Amy 12 weeks to establish dominance over him intellectually. She and Sheldon might duke it out for the title the smartest of them all, but they both took a secret delight in knowing that the contest could never be resolved.

Those three were logical choices, but she still had Bert shadowing her at lunch, Barry improving her morning runs by motivating her to run faster so she could get away from him… There were actually a lot of Caltech dudes that felt since she'd survived Sheldon, Amy must have an above average tolerance for social and sexual dysfunction and therefore was the girl for them.

Amy had tolerance, boatloads of it, in fact. But if she was going to put up with someone, they had to be worth it. Sheldon had been worth it somehow. Did 17 ½ weeks gone really make him less worth it? If he went for the good night kiss would she really have the balls to mace him, or would her body recognize her mate and force her to climb him like a tree and kiss his head off.

She wrapped her arms around her stomach and grimaced, was she really thinking about giving into her primitive love soaked brain after one day? Would she really sacrifice her pride and mock her own suffering just to enjoy a long, deliciously minty Sheldon-esque kiss.

"No, No!" Amy said. She gulped her tea, "I will mace myself first. It is bad enough that I know I am going probably going to fold like cheap lawn chair. I can't make this easy." She rinsed the cup out in the sink, "And I am going crazy, and it's the middle of the night. Also, he's the only man who's ever lit my fire in a real sense. All others have just been in theory." Pause. "What the hell am I going to do?" She asked the room. The her eyes lit up, "Emily!"

_Sheldon and Amy have their date night. Who wins? Can you win at date night?_


	8. Slam the door and Stop Renting!

_Usual disclaimers, I own nothing. __**I am only paid in love and reviews... Pay me!**__ I don't think Chuck and WB care about love. Bill and Steve do... love them too!_

**Turn away and slam the door and Stop Renting!**

_July 21__th__ 2014_

"I'm doing it Stuart!" Amy shouted, "I am hitting send.

The pale young man looked at his newly minted best friend and said, "I can't stop you. But you don't have to do this. No one will think less of you for hanging on."

"I'll think less of me." Amy started crying. "I don't know how I could accomplish that, but I think my self-worth has some room to fall. He treats me like this because he knows I won't do anything. It's been over 8 weeks. He's never said he's coming back, he never asks anything beyond, "how are you?" And trust me Stuart, he only wants to the F-word. F-I

-N-E. But this time… this time? He's breaking his own rules. He hasn't contacted me in over a week. He's either dead in a ditch somewhere or he wants me to do this. I am an optimist so I am assuming he's not dead in a ditch…"

She sat down at her laptop and proof read her email.

_Dr. Cooper:_

_Due to your suspension of required communication, I regret to inform you that I, Amy Farrah Fowler, hereby terminate my relationship with you, Sheldon Lee Cooper. Since I initiate this action for cause, I stipulate that this termination go into effect on July 23 at 12:01am._

_Reasons for termination_

_Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper left Pasadena on May 15, without saying good bye to Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler or to explain the purpose of his trip. During the course of the ensuing 8 weeks, Dr. Cooper's attempts at maintaining contact with Dr. Fowler have been sporadic and not in line with parameters of guarantee contact for out of town travel. _

_As of today, July 21__st__, 2014, there has been no communication to Dr. Fowler in the form of any approved medium from Dr. Cooper since a phone call on July 12__th, __2014. Dr. Fowler made three attempts to reach Dr. Cooper via email and voicemail. None of these communications were acknowledged or returned._

_Given these circumstances, Dr. Fowler will count the relationship null and void at the above stated time, releasing both parties from all obligations to the other._

_Best Wishes on your continuing journey. Cordially Amy Farrah Fowler_

Amy took a deep breath and hit send. Stuart who'd been reading over her shoulder, shook his head, "That was a little cold, Amy. Shouldn't you tell him your feelings?'

"No." she shook her head, "Sheldon dislikes feelings. As it is hell interpret the above as me being hungry and will probably order me a pizza over the internet. If he contacts me before the deadline, I'll listen to him. If not, 11 days is quite long enough to wait for communication, don't you think?"

"What if he has an explanation.?" Stuart asked.

"If he has a good one, I'll listen." Amy assured her friend, "We have to go, Debbie is expecting you home."

As they left the apartment, Amy started to tremble. Stuart took her hand in his, "It will be fine. You did what you needed to do."

_July 27__th, __2014_

At 2am, her phone began to play, "Baby don't you break my heart slow." It had been Sheldon's ring tone for a couple months. She didn't answer it. The ringing stopped, then started again. Defeated, Amy got out of bed and picked up her phone. "Hello."

"Amy. I got your email. There's been a misunderstanding," Sheldon said, with slight undertone of fear and uncertainty, "Of course we aren't broken up." The last phrase was spoken with bravado.

"I am waiting to hear what I misunderstood." Amy said, getting back into bed with her phone.

Sheldon took a deep breath, "I've been without phone coverage and internet access."

Amy laughed mirthlessly, "you took a time machine back to 1990?"

"You're being impossible! If you would listen to me…" Sheldon went into his rant.

"If you have an explanation, email me." Amy said, breathlessly, "Otherwise I have nothing to say to you. We are done." She hung up on him. She turned her phone off and put it on her bedside table. She knew Sheldon. If he had a good excuse, he never would have called. He have sent her a registered letter with proof of hospitalization, incarceration or pictures of the place the kidnappers had held him captive. He would have delivered the finishing move first. Since he didn't have a way to win, he'd go with "You might be hungry," or "are you sure you aren't going into menopause?"

It was just over.

_August 2__nd__, 2014_

Stuart, Amy, Bernadette and Emily stood in front of a one and a half story bungalow with an open house sign in front. They'd walked over from Howard's mom's house on their way to get ice cream.

Amy looked in love, it was a craftsman style cottage. The classic little house of her dreams! "I want to go in!"

Emily and Bernadette exchanged glances, "Why? It's kind of…" Bernadette hedged.

"A dump?" Emily finished, looking unsure. Bernadette nodded.

"No, no." Amy said, "I lived in a house just like this when I was little. It just needs some love." She looked back at the house and smiled, "It's perfect." Without another word, she darted up the walkway.

"And with that," Emily took Bernadette and Stuart each by the arm, "Amy Farrah Fowler bought the money pit." And they followed her inside.

"We know she likes impossible fixers." Bernadette sighed.

_7 weeks later _

Amy walked out the front door of her house with her travel mug filled with Lemon Zing/White Cucumber tea. She smiled fondly, her baby had good bones. It just needed a little sprucing up, a new foundation, a whole new electrical system, a new roof... And it was in an historical landmark area, so everything she did outside had to be approved by a committee... So, it was a money pit and could be a pain in her ass. But it was her money pit and her ass pain. And she hadn't had to wait for anyone to decide they were finally willing to share this dream with her.

She secured her cup and messenger bag and got onto Howard's old vespa. It was only 10 blocks to work. This really was Bungalow Heaven!

_**Just a quick look at Amy's Summer of Love before DATE NIGHT! 2 people go out to eat, but how many wind up at the restaurant?**_


	9. Addressing Suitor 1

_General disclamation of non-ownership. You know who owns it._

**Addressing Suitors**

Janine had been unable to run that morning so Amy had spent 45 minutes fleeing Barry and his Sheldon based line of interrogation. It was the Elmer Fudd accent. It made everything he said sound like he wanted to lure her into the back of a white utility van, you know, for scientific purposes.

After Amy showered, she walked right into her pair of applied mathematics admirers. She imagined this pair to be like Howard and Raj pre-Bernadette. Like they were looking for a woman to love them both equally and to be a bridge to their love. That last part wasn't actually supposition according to the poem they left on her Facebook page.

Seeing Bert, coming down the hall towards her, Amy could help but feel a higher power to whom she felt no affinity was screaming, "**Take Sheldon Back! LOOK! He's not the weirdest one I ever made! Not by a long shot!"** And sometimes being touched is worse than not being touched. Amy concluded on her own. She made her escape by turning down a corridor and searching for an exit. Seeing a familiar door, she opened it without knocking.

"HI, Amy!" Leonard smiled brightly coming around the laser equipment.

"SHHHH," Amy hissed, "The weirdoes know Sheldon is back. They all are trying to close a deal or something."

"Is it Markos from Chemistry? He's pretty starry eyed." Leonard smiled.

"Which one is Markos?" Amy looked confused, "Wait is he the swarthy guy who wears only acid washed jeans and Insane Clown Posse Tee shirts, but is NOT a juggalo."

Leonard's eyes went wide, "No. I don't know who that is, but now I am definitely walking you to your lab."

"I'd object, but... I won't." Amy said, grabbing one of Leonard's spare jackets off the door. "Which one's Markos?"

"He's a Furry and a Brony." Leonard said holding the door open.

"His furry animal is a unicorn isn't it?" Amy asked losing the will to go one.

"Just a regular old pony, he's not a fancy pants, ma'am."

Sheldon had emerged from the administration building as he saw Amy and Leonard walk out of the physics building. She was wearing one of the outfits he'd seen featured in Bernadette's photo retrospective of "Amy tries on clothes," with its stirring featurette "Amy in 6 bras and one pair of black satin boy shorts." Leonard's jacket hung off of her shoulders as the made their way across the mall. They were about half way to her building when an interesting physical specimen came up to them and began to speak to Amy without looking at her. Leonard inched in front of her. Was this one of the three men? Emulating the Flash, Sheldon raced from his position, calling Amy's name.

Hearing her name, Amy sharply turned her head, causing her wavy hair to catch the sunlight. Sheldon smiled, even if it wasn't straight her hair still maintained its super-power of light refraction. He also noted she'd lost weight. He briefly wondered if she'd been eating enough, then noticed how toned she looked under her light weight sweater dress. Also by the look of her bosom, she was wearing the black bra today. That bra that gave Amy the proud breasts of a DC Super Heroine.

Leonard grinned seeing his tall friend bearing down on them, and muttered to Amy, "I am just going to let Sheldon help you with this," he jerked his head to indicate the molecular chemist who was attempting to woo her with telepathy. Leonard took his jacked off her shoulders and proceeded to walk the other way quickly.

Amy followed him with a death glare, "Thanks, Leonard. Always a good friend. Jerk." She called as Sheldon reached her side. He glowered at the other man. Amy noticed that Sheldon had filled out during the summer. He was wearing one of his older set of tee shirts. The material strained over his strong arms. Hoo.

"Let me walk you to your lab, Dr. Fowler," Sheldon said locking eyes with the now nervous looking other man.

Looking at him for a second, "Why not?" Amy said and stalked off. Sheldon followed her closely on her heels.

"Is that one your 3 suitors?" Sheldon asked, catching up.

"No that represents the legacy you left me when you deserted me," Amy said walking faster as soon as she got into the building, nearly letting the glass door slam in Sheldon's face.

"What?" Sheldon said, frowning as he tried to catch up with her. When the hell did she start to walk so damn fast?

"When you left, it was like open season on me. All these weirdoes thought "Hey! Look, she has no standards for how she should be treated. I am going to make her mine!"" She snapped her fingers in his face at s she arrived at her lab. As he opened the door, he found her donning her lab coat still ranting softly. "I've got Barry Kripke chasing my butt around the commons 3 mornings a week. There's an old adjunct professor who keeps leaving me voice mails admiring my fecundity, I don't what is going on with those other people, but I got Faux Juggalo, a Brony, a furry, Then guy's whose convinced that we share a mind lock. Now Bert knows I am not a lesbian..."

Sheldon frowned, as he breathless stood in front of her, "Barry Kripke is chasing you?"

"My compliment's on your listening comprehension skills." Amy replied giving him a thumbs up. "Why are you here Sheldon?"

"I had a meeting at the administration building about returning to work and about the forth coming publication of a book I wrote while on my sabbatical." Sheldon said.

"Sabbatical? I suppose that is what they call it when an academic has an epic spaz out and runs away from home. And writing a book would make it easier to swallow." Amy said, her expression a mixture of annoyance and understanding. She imagined the complicated nature of her moods must be driving Sheldon's brain twitchy.

"The book is about Physics and Modern Warfare." Sheldon said eagerly, he'd been dying to share this with her for the entire time he'd been writing.

"An academic work?" Amy looked puzzled, "Is it aimed at science students, history students... Ethics?"

"It is aimed at the popular science and history market. Stephen Hawking suggested I raise my name recognition in the general populace..."

"Then Caltech will let you research whatever you want because you'll be a brand name?" Amy caught the gist, "Interesting. It's a good idea. Congratulations."

"The publisher wants a rewrite. It needs to be a bit more every man." Sheldon frowned, "They want me to work with an actual military service member."

"What about one of the Astronauts Howard worked with at NASA? Or it doesn't have to be a five star general, Bernadette's father was in the marines. He retired from the police force last spring and I know he's a bit on edge. He helped me remodel my..." her voice trailed off before she gave him a hint to find her house, "I'll give you his phone number later."

Noticing her coyness, "Do I look concerned about picking you up on time for our date tonight?"

"No." Amy admitted, "It doesn't mean you have the correct address though." She smiled.

"Would you care to make a wager?" Sheldon took a step towards her.

"Why, Sheldon," Amy took a step backwards, hoping she wasn't backing into something at ass bruising height, "I wouldn't insult your sneakiness by betting against you." She never got a chance to find out, as Sheldon leaned down and kissed her.

Did a good job of it too.

Amy's arms went around his waist so she could keep her balance, vaguely aware that she was kissing him back.

Doing a good job of it too.

"Dr. Fowler?"

Amy and Sheldon jumped away from each other and faced Dr. Tim Montavon. Amy's face caught fire in embarrassment as Sheldon noted the man had been in several pictures from Bernadette's house warming party. He advanced, "I am Dr. Sheldon Cooper, Amy's boyfriend."

"Ah, the famous Dr. Cooper." Tim advanced with his hand extended, "I am Dr. Fowler's... I hesitate to say boss at this point, she's such a leader in our team," he smiled at Amy, "I am one of Amy's co-conspirators, Dr. Montavon."

"It's good to meet you. I've heard literally nothing about you." Sheldon said.

"And I've heard so much about you. Mostly that you are Amy's former boyfriend, isn't that correct Amy?" he turned to the still beet red neuro-biologist.

"That's correct." Amy said, "Sheldon is just leaving," she gesture to the door.

"Due to clerical error, Dr. Fowler is still very much my girlfriend, Dr. Montavon," Sheldon smiled, coldly at the older scientist. He turned back to Amy kissed her dead on the lips again, "I'll pick you up at 6:45. It's a special occasion, so please dress up."

Tim looked at Amy, "He's hunkier than I thought he be."

"He is still a hot goofy mess at heart though." Amy said, fighting the urge to spray her still flushed face in the cool waters of the eyewash station.

As Sheldon fled the scene, he couldn't count the things he was going to pay for. He'd kissed her twice without permission, he'd kissed her twice in front of her boss. She'd gotten that shade of red that meant she was aroused, mad or super-duper embarrassed. Since it was all in front of her boss... He was going to pay for all of it. The kiss had been worth it though. She'd tasted like lemon tea and toast. Amy had never kissed him back like that, placed her hands around his waist so close to places... swimsuit places. He stopped in his tracks and involuntarily shook like a wet dog for a second getting rid of the sexy feelings.

Focus! Focus Cooper! Sheldon yelled in his brain. Dinner was in 6 hours, he'd just committed to someplace fancy and he still didn't exactly have an address. He just needed to remember that Amy had confidence in him.

He also had to remember the smug face of Amy's co-conspirator. Suitor 1. Montavon.

Raj was dreamily doodling Emily's name on a star chart when Sheldon's signature knock broke his reverie. He beamed at his friend, "It is good to have you back," Raj said indicating he should sit, "What can I do for you?"

"I need help with a couple of minor details for my date night with Amy tonight." Sheldon attempted to sound nonchalant.

Raj's mouth opened, "you got her to agree to a "date night?" Dude, I roasted marshmallows on the bonfire she lit with your relationship agreement."

Sheldon felt hurt for a second, "Be that as it may, she's agreed and I promised I take her some place special. I want it be very nice. You are indiscriminate about how you spend money on food, can you recommend something fancy?"

"Are you going to make her drive? That's not a power move, Dude. A nice town car would be perfect." Raj's eyes lit up as he began planning.

"Good idea," Sheldon said, suppressing his devious delight, "Could call the service you use with the particulars? I need to pick Amy up at 6:45. And I need to buy a new suit, my old ones don't fit." A plausible explanation why he could make the calls himself. And he did need a new suit.

"That's fine. Be ready at your place at 6:30." Raj said, writing things down. "The reservations will be for 8:00pm. Just let me call my guy and I'll take you to my suit guy in Beverly Hills. This is so romantic!"

Sheldon smiled at his friend, "It is, isn't it"

Raj dropped Sheldon off at home at 5:30, feeling satisfied that Sheldon would sweep Amy off her feet with his dinner plans. He drove to pick Emily up at her office, arriving at 6pm. They smooched in her exam room until 6:20, at which time they headed to his car to go to dinner.

That was when all hell broke loose.

"You did what for him?" Emily asked, looking shocked.

"I arranged the town car and dinner reservations." Raj looked guilty, without know why, "And I helped him by a new suit then I went with him to get a haircut and a hot lather shave. He looked very sexy... for Sheldon."

Emily put her face in her hands, "Raj... Sheldon didn't know where Amy lived. She purposefully didn't give him an address. He tricked you."

"Cow damn it."

"Never mind that. We are going to take away his cow damn advantage." Emily fished her phone out of her purse, "Bernie? Battle stations."

At 6:45pm, Sheldon's staccato knock sounded through Amy's living room. She swung open her hunter green front door, "So you found the place?" She said against the door frame. She looked lovely wearing a jade green dress that did crazy things to the color of her eyes. Her hair shone in the light coming from her entryway.

"I thought you didn't doubt me?" Sheldon said leaning closer, wondering if he could kiss her again.

"Back up, cowboy." Amy said, frowning, "You are not going to repeat what happened at the lab, understood?"

"Of course not." Sheldon said, "Swiss Mister isn't going to show up to interrupt us. Will you show me your house?"

Amy took a step back and smiled, "Come in. I just moved in 2 weeks ago. The renovations aren't over, but everything is up to code and the bathrooms and kitchen are updated." She said enthusiastically. She loved showing off her house and for reasons she couldn't ignore, she wanted to Sheldon to love her baby.

In truth, anything that made her glow with such delight that wasn't another man, was perfection in his book. And since she had strove for comfort and historical accuracy, he would have liked it even if it hadn't been her baby.

The ground floor had a cozy living room, a small dining area, a kitchen, a full bath and 2 bedrooms. Sheldon pointed to the beautifully restored staircase, "What's up there?"

"The master suite. It's a bathroom, a bedroom and a sitting area." Amy took her wrap off a hook and held to Sheldon for him to put it over her shoulders.

"May I see it?" Sheldon whispered in her ear, "your suite."

"You may not," Amy said turning to stare up into his blue eyes, "You don't play by the rules anymore Sheldon. Unreliable. Not dishonorable, but certainly lacking in it in some respects. Do you really think 2 kisses and a night of romance will get you off the hook?"

"No," he looked down at her, sadly, "Any hope I had of you forgiving me easily and forgetting my actions is quashed. But I am not afraid to woo you Amy. I have spent the summer developing some ideas."

Amy smirked. "Interesting.

Independent of these pleasantries, several people in the Los Angeles area were swiftly donning their fancy clothes. When Auntie Emily and Cousin Bernie called battle stations... those suckers got manned.

_They get to the restaurant in the next chapter._


	10. Circus Maximus and Suitor 3

**Circus Maximus and Suitor 3**

Ellie Reardon gave her daddy a quick review before he left the house, "Are we clear, Daddy?" She asked, her large hazel eyes serious, "No crying tonight. Are we clear, Daddy?"

"Crystal clear, honey." Dan assured, the suddenly stern little girl. He'd liked Amy Farrah Fowler a great deal, she'd check off a lot of his boxes. He'd disappointed his sister and his little girl by his dismal dating performance. Amy was truly a goddess of patience. The way Emily made it sound on the phone, this was his last chance with her. He wasn't sure how that was possible, but Emily had made it quite clear he needed to move his ass now and he needed to look good.

As good as a man could look when he looked like he was rusting. Dan had gone deep sea fishing with some friends the weekend before. He was just a large freckle at this point. He checked himself in the mirror. He was lucky he made cute, smart babies or he'd just be a giant leprechaun with a PhD.

At Amy's house, Sheldon opened the car door for her. Before she got in she stopped and looked at the car, then peeked at the driver as she climbed in. As they drove off, Sheldon noticed her smiling smugly. "Is something amiss, Dr. Fowler?"

She turned to him with a raised eye brow, "Everything is perfect. Chuck here is Raj's favorite driver." She lined forward, "You've been working for Dr. K a lot this summer, isn't that right, Chuck?"

The older man turned slightly and yelled back, "That's right, Dr. Amy!"

Sheldon's face remained neutral, "I don't know what you are implying."

"I am not implying a thing." Amy smiled widely, "I just thought your plan to find my address would be more high tech and… you know, more in a legal and ethical/moral gray area."

"Oh, lines were crossed," Sheldon replied haughtily. The smile was very welcome, even before he left seeing Amy truly smile like this had become rarer and rarer. As he'd descended into chaos, he'd drug her down with him. He needed time to explain to her why he left. He would have pulled her down even further then he had. Tonight he might get his chance.

"Lines were crossed," she teased him, "What lines?"

"I made an illegal clone of Bernadette's cell phone." Sheldon smiled.

Amy cheered softly, "See, that's what I am talking about. Nice."

"You like that?" he asked, remembering that Amy had been the only person to truly understand the sliding scale of his ethical standards.

"God help me… I like it." Amy bit her lip, "Now. Go ahead. Ruin it."

"Bernadette never deleted the pictures she took when you were trying on bras. One of them is my laptop wallpaper now." Sheldon admitted.

Amy nodded and leaned her head back, "Which one?"

"The picture where you are wearing the same black bra that you have on now." Sheldon replied.

Frowning she looked down at her chest, she was covered all covered, "How can you tell which bra I am wearing?"

"The black one makes you look like Wonder Woman. Your breasts are very high proud this evening." He stared at the back of Chuck's head and smirked when he heard her response.

"Okay, I'll take that."

In Howard's car things were a little less tranquil, "Raj, you are so gullible," Bernadette chided.

"Sue me, I believe in love." Raj defended himself.

"Love?" Emily and Bernadette said in unison.

"Weird love, yes, but love." Raj counseled them. "And your motives are questionable, my queen of rubies. You still are viewing Amy as sister-in-law material."

"Danny really likes Amy!" Emily frowned.

"And yet Sheldon never burst into tears while kissing her. And trust me, I would have bet serious money that Sheldon would have not only cried while kissing a woman, but that his bowels would have released in shock." The astrophysicist chided his girlfriend. "Also, you want a mommy for Ellie."

"Where else I am going to find a woman smart enough to raise that child?" the redhead hissed, "This is Southern California." Pause. "So my motivations might be a little suspect. Sue me. I still think she is too good for Old Stretch."

"Hear, hear." Bernadette chimed in, "I don't have any preference among the big three suitors, just any of them would treat her better on day to day basis then Sheldon. I am sorry I only punched him in the thigh."

"Next time you try to beat him up, grab a foot stool. I don't know guys, I still have a soft spot in my heart for Bert." Howard admitted. "He looks like what would happen if a polar bear fucked a bald eagle and that is okay in my book."

Pause. The other three sighed in unison, "Yeah."

Driving at a frenzied pace down the freeway, Leonard was sure Penny was living skid marks behind them, "Why can't they mind their own business?" She asked.

"Did we not get dressed in 5 minutes to go to a really expensive restaurant so we could stick our noses into this? We could just let Sheldon fight his own battles." Leonard noted.

"No!" Penny hissed, "That's what they want us to do. Those bitcehs want us to take the high road. I won't give them the satisfaction. I am done letting them have their way. I am getting down in the mud on this one! You, me and Sheldon are getting our Amy back!"

Leonard tipped his head back and concentrated on going limp knowing that people who were drunk, asleep or didn't see the tractor trailer truck coming were much more like to survive a fatal car accident, "Thanks for the text, Howard. Thanks a lot."

Sheldon helped Amy out of the car and held her hand as they went into the restaurant. It failed to occur to her to object. "Reservation for Dr. Sheldon Cooper," he told the incredibly snotty looking maître d'.

"Ah, yes, Dr. Cooper, the rest of your party has just arrived and is waiting in the lounge area, it should only be fifteen to twenty minutes before we are able to seat your group."

"There's a misunderstanding," Sheldon said waspishly, "My reservation is for two. And it is for now."

"Apologies, Dr." The man looked down the reservation board, "Cooper. But the number of the party was changed to 7 and then again to 9. Actually, I believe we are still missing two members of this menagerie. We only seat once all members of a party have arrived. I invite you and Madame to wait with the rest of your party in the lounge."

Sheldon attempted to make his case for another minute before Amy drew him toward the lounge, "There is probably a logical explanation waiting for us in the lounge."

"That's optimistic." He said, testily. "What the heck?"

"Sheldon! Amy! Welcome!" Howard greeted the couple as he came up and gave Amy a kiss on both cheeks. He turned to shake Sheldon's hand and whispered to him that Penny and Leonard were on their way.

"Is that supposed to make this better?" Sheldon asked looking at the faces of two unfriendly women, Raj and a man who looked familiar… Amy greeted him with a smile and an outstretched hand and the man held it a second too long. He made eye contact with Sheldon. The ginger son of a bitch had the guts to raise his glass to him.

Suitor 2? Or 3? A walking freckle, with a rusty tin roof on his head? His mother always said redheads were the devils spawn. Yes, she'd been referring to one of his father's floozy girlfriends, but still, the sentiment was sound.

Sheldon went to Amy's side and put his arm around her waist, he brushed his lips against her hair, "Are you going to introduce me?" He was trying to sound charming, but Amy could hear he was about to have a stroke. For some reason, she covered his hand with her own in a soothing gesture.

"Sheldon, this is Emily's brother Dr. Daniel Reardon. He is a professor of applied economics at USC, Dan this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper, he is a theoretical physicist at Caltech." Amy performed the introductions.

Dan appeared to weigh his words carefully, and the visibly decided to fuck caution, "I have heard a lot about you Dr. Cooper. I didn't think I'd ever meet you in person. I've been fan since your series of radio interviews last winter. And having heard so much about you over the summer. It's like meeting Wiley Coyote in person."

"We're here!" Penny said loudly, running into the lounge. "What did we miss?" She smiled/glared at Bernadette and Emily.

Leonard came in behind her and meekly came up to Amy and Sheldon, "I am really sorry about this. She isn't even drunk."

"Yet." Sheldon and Amy said together.

_Next up the food comes and shit gets real._


	11. What is Wrong with Us? Seriously?

_Disclaimer: I apologize to Irish dudes and maître d's. Chuck, Bill and Wb are probably thrilled they own TBBT and not this._

**What is Wrong with Us? Seriously?**

If the maître d' hadn't picked that exact moment in time to announce they would be seated, it might have occurred to Amy or Sheldon, they didn't have to stay. They had a car waiting and there was a Quizno's near the on ramp to the freeway… Or if they'd socialized with normal people, with normal boundaries. Or if they were normal people with normal boundaries… this wouldn't have happened either.

After the food was ordered an ominous quiet descended over the table. Silence in that there was no talking. Yet each person was thinking very loudly at least one other person either by shooting them death glares, pointedly refusing to meet their apologetic puppy dog stare or letting their head jerk, spasmodically, indicating they wanted to leave NOW!

Amy sat between Sheldon and Dan, fuming. The whole of her internal dialogue was one word. "Bitches."

Sheldon kept his thigh pressed against Amy's in vain attempt to not slip in to rage induced dementia. He could have handled the invasion of Raj and Howard's women if Leonard hadn't allowed his to jump in and make things worse. He could have used the high road on this one. Leonard sat between Sheldon and Penny, sensing that his buddy was not happy with his fiancée at this time. As Penny suck down her 3rd giant glass of wine, both Sheldon and Leonard sensed the end of decorum just around the corner. Sheldon felt the dementia coming on. He gulped some wine, earning a side eye from Amy and Leonard.

Now that Dan realized what was happening, as much as he wanted to dis Sheldon, he wanted Amy to know he had no idea what was really going on here until… well, Penny showed up. "Amy," he said in a low voice, which echoed across the table, "I am sorry. I really had no idea what this was… going to be, you know, this." He'd had a couple of drinks while waiting too. He felt loose.

"I don't blame you, Daniel." Amy said, projecting her voice across the table, "I am more curious about the timeline of the events leading up to whatever this is." She turned and stared at the now acutely embarrassed economist. "What time did Emily call you and tell you to sprint over here?"

Dan took a healthy swig of wine, "6:30."

"Leonard." Amy looked around Sheldon, "What time did… Howard, was it? Text you that you and Penny should crash date night?"

Making the stressed face Leonard, mumbled, "7 o'clock." His statement was punctured by Howard yelping in pain.

"I see." Amy rose to her feet, "Ladies. Please join me, won't you?" She glared at all her friends at once and threw her napkin on the table as she stalked off in the direction she hoped the ladies room was in.

Happily it was, but Amy would have been thrilled to have this conversation in the humidor, the men's room, the front lobby… She needed to settle things. The room was one of those extra elegant ladies rooms with a sitting room that looked like it was expecting Beyoncé to burst through the door and need to pee on a nice sofa.

"Sit down." Amy pointed at the sofa. Penny made a move to sit on a side chair, "The sofa!" she shrieked. The alarmed blond moved quickly to sit beside Bernadette, her eyes wide. "Everybody cozy?" She asked lowering her voice, not waiting for a response she growled, "Great."

"This summer has been the best and the worst of my life, as you know. I've confided in some of you and I had to stop confiding so much in one of you."

"You mean me?" Penny started to stand up, looking weepy.

"Penny this is not all about you! I am actually less mad at you right now, but that can change." Amy said, putting her face in her hands. "I didn't confide in you for simple reasons, you gave me bad advice, you minimized the importance of my feelings and everything I told you went right to Sheldon. You couldn't accept the fact, that for me to survive the summer, I had to hate Sheldon. I had to separate from him in my head."

"But you don't hate him! You are here with him tonight…" Penny said, missing the point. "You guys are in love."

"I am here with him, but he strong armed me into coming and you know that. And yes my feelings for Sheldon are far from resolved, but I am not jumping right back into the fire. I am not declaring my love for him. He may think I am going to reaffirm the relationship agreement before end of business Monday, but I am not. That's not saying we won't end up together, but this isn't sour grapes. He left me and it destroyed something very basic between us. I have to know that he understands what rebuilding really means." Amy said, "And not one of part of that has anything to do with your idealized view of our relationship or me getting him to switch apartments."

Amy turned slightly and addressed Emily, "Dan and I aren't going to happen. Stop trying to make it happen." She paused, "You've brought out so many good things in me. You've encouraged me to be inappropriate without looking uncomfortable. You helped me look sexy, but still look like Amy. I felt like we really got to know each other. We've become such good friends."

Emily stood, "We have! Amy, you are the weirdest, neatest person I've ever met. But you were so damaged by that fucker…"

"I know. I still am, and this summer might be scar tissue I carry forever. But you've never butted in like this before. What is this? When I bought the Money Pit, when hired Bernie's Dad and Stuart to remodel the Money Pit.."

Penny turned to Bernadette and mouthed "Stuart?" Bernadette nodded and mouthed back "Explain later".

Amy glanced, coolly at the disruption before continuing, "Why are you butting in so hard?"

"He's been back a day and you are dancing to his tune." Emily shook her head, "I didn't like it."

"I promise, it's not going down like that. He's not in control here. But I love him. Penny's not wrong. And you may have to come to terms with us as couple. Also he's Raj's good friend. But I love you for holding a grudge on my behalf, but sometime in the next few weeks, you need to think about letting it go. I know it won't happen overnight." Amy took a step toward the redhead and pointed her finger, "But let go of the Dan thing, this second. You are going to flush that idea down the toilet before we leave this bathroom."

"Yes. Boss." Emily nodded, then stuck her tongue out.

"Bernadette." Amy sat in front of her small, rage monster friend, "I know what's wrong with them. What the hell happened to you?"

The petite blond leaned back onto the sofa, "I don't even know. I just kind of went with it. It was like a fucking tidal wave of drama." She gestured wildly with her hands.

"I can see that, No problem, strawberry." Amy patted Bernie's leg and stood up.

"What?" Penny and Emily asked in unison.

"What?" Amy and Bernadette mimicked them.

"Please, this isn't Bernie's style at all. If she wanted to ruin my date with Sheldon she'd do something unhinged. No offense Emily, this is just pissing me off, there's no harm done." Amy told her friend, seriously, "And don't smirk, Miss Penny, you thought this was a good enough plan that it needed to be ruined." Penny and Emily pouted together. "Bernadette, deal with this, I am sick of the looking at all you bitches." The brunette walked to the door, "On second thought, I am not looking forward to seeing what's afoot at the kiddy table. Come with me, please."

_Concurrently at the table…_

Sheldon glared at Raj, who finally yelled, "You didn't swear me to secrecy. And you also tricked me!"

"I've been tricking you the whole time I've known you, if we take that out of the relationship, we won't talk." Sheldon spat.

"I shouldn't have even helped you." Raj glared, "You hurt Amy. You knew what your leaving would do to her. She was destroyed, she hated herself. Howard and I had lunch with her every day just so we could be sure she would eat something. And I helped you buy a suit and look sexy."

"She got over me leaving. You all helped her get over that, I am grateful for that." Sheldon said, "But I want her back now and you need to stay out of it."

Howard threw his napkin and stood up, "Okay what? I even want you to get back together with her and I am still not staying out of it. You can't treat her like crap again, Sheldon. It was always hard to watch, I won't sit by and watch it again."

Raj nodded in agreement and Leonard spoke up, "You can't dictate what goes on in their relationship. Do I think Sheldon should have treated Amy better, of course. But that was their dynamic…"

"How did I treat her badly?" Sheldon asked, furiously. "I spoke harshly too her before I left, but other than that…"

"If my wife was here, I would not restrain her from kicking your scrawny ass, you self-obsessed douchebag." Howard said, a little louder than he had intended.

"Listen pal," Dan's face had gone rosy, an indication he was now a classically drunken Irishman. "Everybody knows you were a crap boyfriend to Amy. Even your friends don't think you've changed."

"Excuse me? You work at USC. What do you know about me and Amy?" Sheldon would take a certain amount of this from his friends, but not from one of the Suitors.

"I know you barely touched her. She's a sweet, sweet woman, if it wasn't happening for the 2 of you, you are the one on the fritz." He made the sound of a balloon deflating with his mouth. He got spit on Sheldon.

Sheldon slapped him. Open handed, on the cheek, the sound ripped through the restaurant. Everyone who'd been ignoring the mostly quiet fury wafting off the table looked up.

Dan looked stunned, "You slapped me. Who are you? Susan Lucci? You want to throw down soap opera style?" Dan threw a full glass of wine in Sheldon's face.

"Dan!" Raj screamed, "That's a new suit! Do you know how hard it is to get him to go suit shopping?" He was ignored as Dan and Sheldon began shoving each other.

Leonard grabbed both men by the elbow, "Stop it, you are going to get us kicked out!" he said lamely, knowing that was going to happen pretty definitely. Sheldon jerked his arm free with such force he slapped Dan in the face as his arm swung free and backhanded Leonard on the back swing. Leonard's glasses broke.

"You bwoke my wose!" cried Leonard as blood gushed out. Sheldon went to help his friend apologizing profusely as Dan stabbed Sheldon in the arm with a shrimp fork.

Sheldon looked blankly at the fork sticking out of his arm. Time stood still as he looked from the fork, to Leonard to the smugly smiling Dan. Time started up again and Sheldon started a running tackle screaming, "You are not dating my girlfriend, you stupid jerk!"

On landing, they broke the table.

As they sprawled across the wreckage the four now horrified women returned to the table. Watching as Sheldon and Dan struggled to get fine china off their clothes as they staggered to their feet, as they weakly swung their fists at each other and fell back down. Amy turned to the girls, and said blankly, "So that happened."

"Yeah." The girs replied in unison.

"Emily," Penny asked, "could you fix Leonard's nose?" The women paused for a moment, staring into each other's eyes, then embraced bawling. "I'm sorry I was such a bitch, but I really hate you. I mean I think you are the worst!" Penny inhaled a lungful of snot, clutching Emily tightly in her arms.

"I hate everything about you, you are so dumb. .. I am sorry!" Emily sobbed, burying her face in the blond's hair. She pulled back gasping, "I'll fix his nose. It'll look good."

"Thanks." Penny smiled, tears still cascading down her face.

Bernadette pointed at the other women, "Now that's happened. This is crazy, right?" In the back ground the maître d' was going to call the cops and they were banned from the restaurant.


	12. The Drive

_I don't own these people (except Chuck the town car driver, he's all mine.) Chuck, Bill and WB own the rest._

**The Drive**

Bernadette had called her dad to spring the arrested members of the dinner party while the free people paid the damages. Since Emily took most of the blame on herself for circumstances leading to the evening's events she offered to pay. Since Raj was there and saw that his dew kissed flower looked sad, he whipped out his black amex card with a debonair smile, "Don't worry, it's actually cheaper than if we had to pay for dinner."

Amy had watched Sheldon be lead away in hand cuffs with a shrimp fork still sticking out of his suit coat. She suddenly glad he'd had a couple a drinks. Sober Sheldon would already have lock jaw. Bernadette's dad was already waiting at the police station with a lawyer buddy of his to free Sheldon, Dan and Howard for some reason. Leonard had been taken a two a hospital because his nose really was broken.

Amy and Bernadette stood, silently side by side in the police station parking lot with their arms crossed over their chests. "Why'd they arrest Howard?" Amy asked, finally.

"Cuz he looks like such a badass," Bernadette grumbled. Which made Amy snort laugh and that made Bernadette snort laugh, and the girls quietly indulged in some obnoxious pig laughing until they had to stop because their sinuses hurt.

"If we didn't laugh, we'd just cry all day, right" Amy shook her head. Emily and Raj had left with Dan a few minutes before. The cops apparently wanted to keep Sheldon and Dan separated as the skinny white boy smack talk hadn't abated once they'd gotten to the station.

Mike emerged, grimly holding Sheldon by the arm, with Howard walking just behind them. "No charges." He said succinctly, depositing Sheldon beside Amy. "Take him home." He instructed her, "Stretch, If you are going to start a fight, that wasn't the place to do it."

"I was provoked." Sheldon said, rubbing his arm.

"Sheldon," Amy said, "You have the right to remain silent, use it." She hugged Mike, "Thanks for your help."

"It's okay, Doc. Take care of him. He's an oddball, but he's okay." Mike smiled at her.

Amy pushed Sheldon to the town car, "Well, we topped the Encino Paintball Gunsmith Incident as our most eventful date night." She guided him into the car, "Chuck, my place." She told the driver.

After they'd settled in, Sheldon spoke, "I am sorry I got arrested."

"I am sorry my crazy friends ruined our dinner plans." Amy nodded, "How the hell did it happen, Sheldon? You are covered in fine china dust and red wine, your suit has fork holes. Is this something that you do now?"

"The guys were telling me that I was a bad boyfriend even before I left. Then the shrimp fork stabber made some comment about our lack of physical relationship. Then he made the sound of a balloon deflating and got spit on me. So I slapped him." Sheldon admitted.

"Slapped him?" Amy asked, her eyes wide, "that must have surprised him."

"He threw his wine on me. Then we started shoving each other, Leonard's nose got broke, things got stabby, the table got broken, the cops came, the end." Sheldon said wearily, "please, do I need to talk about it?"

He looked so forlorn, Amy felt sad for him. She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "No. I'll get you home and you can sleep it off."

"No!" Sheldon said, really loudly, "We were supposed to talk, you were supposed to want me back and reinstate the relationship agreement. Tonight is important!"

"Calm down," Amy replied sternly, "We will talk about everything, I promise. It doesn't have to be tonight. Because if we reinstate the relationship agreement, it won't be by end of business Monday, Sheldon."

"Why not?" his voice was slightly whiny.

"Because," Amy took a breath, moving closer to him, "I know you appreciate that I was hurt, but I don't know if you really know why I hurt. What broke in me and what broke between us. And intellectually, I do know why you left, why you felt you had to go… but I can't accept that it was the right decision. That it was made with anything but indifference to me."

Sheldon shook his head, "That's not true. That's why I need to explain…"

"You'll have the chance, I promise. I promise, I will listen." Amy said, sadly, "I know my feelings for you are still there. It would be so easy for me just to open my arms and welcome you back. Because I've missed you. I've ached for you every day." She wiped away a tear.

When he went to put his arm around her she slid away. "Amy, I feel that way too. I wanted you near me the whole time I was gone."

"That's a lie." She said, nodding, and biting her lip, "That's a lie. You can't have felt that."

"I did. I am not lying," Sheldon sounded offended, "I missed you like crazy."

"And yet you never came home? Even when you knew I was giving up on you… on us… You stayed away. You didn't try to explain. You never told me what you were doing, when you'd be home." Amy sobbed, more loudly. "You ignored me. How is that missing me, wanting me?"

"Amy! I was fucking mess!" Sheldon shouted at her, "I didn't want you to see me like that!"

"I've seen you be a fucking mess before! Best Buy, does that ring a bell? Why was it different?" Amy yelled back sliding further away from him.

"It was different. It was bigger. I was already starting to take it out on you. The way I talked to you that last time? I didn't want to do that again. That was awful for me." Sheldon explained.

"Really?" Amy said, drily, "It was fantastic for me. But it was honest, that was different. Really honest, wasn't it. You didn't want any of that. Marriage, co-habitation, children, growing old together…, did you?" she shrugged, "And I want those things, Sheldon. I can't have a partner who doesn't want those things with me. You've said you love me, but you haven't said anything about any of that. What about an advanced physical relationship? Are you still working on physical intimacy? Are you still not working very hard?" the last part came out angrier that she wanted it to.

Sheldon scoffed, "Because the other men you've been seeing don't have that problem, do they? They can satisfy your base urges immediately, make all sorts of promises about the furture, they may or may not mean. And that's what you want right?" he encroached on her space.

"Yeah! That's what I want. That's exactly it." Amy hissed back, "You are still scared of change, aren't you? Let me tell you what's changed. I don't need you, but, and listen close because this will scare the crap out of you, I love you." She leaned closer to him, trying to push him back, surprised when he didn't budge, "I can't even stand how much I still love you. And if we got back together, I would not spend any more time suppressing it." She was almost in his lap, "You'd have to deal with it. And you'd have to give me love back if you wanted to keep me. And I don't just mean sex. Well, not just sex."

Neither were aware the car had stopped, "ahem," Chuck said, "Dr. Amy, Here's your house."

Amy opened the door and spilled out, Sheldon went to follow her. She almost slammed the door on him, "Go home, Sheldon. I don't want to talk any more tonight." She ran to her house and before he knew it she'd slammed and locked her front door.

"I'll take you home Dr. Cooper," Chuck said, sympathetically, watching Sheldon slump dejectedly. "It isn't so bad, she just said she wants to have sex with you. That ain't so bad in my book."

Great listening skills, Chuck, thought Sheldon, dejectedly.


	13. Letters not Sent

_Second chapter today, I am rolling. I also own nothing and make no money on this. Chuck Bill and Wb do and should. Love 'em._

**Letters not Sent**

Sheldon crept into the apartment. Penny and Leonard weren't home yet, but sneaking in suited his mood. He went to his room and began to ruthless strip off his ruined, over-priced brand new suit. He remembered the last time he'd taken his clothes off this carelessly. He'd been wine drunk and eager to be naked before Amy found his Friday night pajamas and turned around. He wanted to surprise her. If she liked him dropping his pants, he thought dropping his underpants might be an even bigger hoot.

_Her face was so surprised, her mouth and eyes were just huge ovals. He'd almost got naked, he was standing there in just his underpants and socks. "Ta da!" he stretched his arms out to her, grinning._

_That amused her, he could tell, but the way she covered her mouth, looked at the ceiling and shook her head. "What are you doing Sheldon?" _

"_I am exploring diminishing returns in humor." He took as step towards her and she backed herself into the dresser. "You liked it when I dropped my pants, will dropping underpants be more funny or less funny or the same funny. Let's begin…" _

"_No! Sheldon," she giggled, "Don't clearly it is more funny." Amy said, "Just the thought of it has me over come. If you actually did it I guarantee I would literally just DIE." She gave him her sad kitten face, "you wouldn't want that would you Sheldon?"_

_He felt terrible, "No!" He pulled her into a hug, "no, no, no. I won't drop my undies for comedic purposes. For my Amy." He started sniffing her head. "You smell good. It must be good to smell good. But you wear a lot of clothes. Too much clothes." He chided._

_Amy pushed him away, "You usually wear more clothes too." She produced the pajamas like totally out of nowhere. "You should put these on." _

_Ignoring her, Sheldon grabbed the pi's and threw them on the floor. He took her arm and pulled her to the bed, "But here's the thing, Amy, I am always not wearing anything under my clothes." He looked around and pulled her on the bed facing him, and whispered, "I mean, never. I mean naked." He put a finger on her lips, "Shhh."_

"_Are you sure you are only drunk?" Amy asked, looking weary._

"_You are really sleepy," Sheldon said, noticing her state of weariness, "You should sleep here. I've got a sleeping bag. We could share it. It's large sized."_

"_Sheldon, no, I should go home." Amy tried to get up, but Sheldon pulled her back down and kissed her on the mouth for many more seconds than authorized for a goodbye kiss. He held her at such an angle that she tried to get away, she fall on her ass, so she went with it, wrapping her arm around his neck. Realizing he could drop her, he pulled her into his lap (still only covered by his fruit of the looms) so he could hold her more snuggly and kiss other places._

"_Okay, Okay!" Amy disentangled herself,(pushing herself further into bed) "That kiss was longer than good-night kisses are allowed to be."_

"_That's okay, it's not a good night kiss because you are sleeping over. Amy, what kind of underpants are you wearing?" Sheldon asked._

_Amy fell back on the bed, and sighed, "What?" _

"_Your hips are very womanly and broad." Sheldon began._

"_I don't like where this is going." Amy pulled a pillow on top of her face._

"_Nonsense," Sheldon pluck the pillow away and threw it on the floor next to the pajamas, "This is biology, it's your field of expertise. So I think our hips are about the same width or mine might be a little more narrow for coital purposes." Seeing Amy's shocked expression, "Honestly, Amy the hips of the human female are designed to be almost cradle the pelvis of her male sexual consort, how can you not know this."_

"_I forgot." Amy said in a little voice._

"_I forgive you." He straddled her without touching her body, "let's switch underpants!"_

_Amy began to shimmy off the bad, muttering she need to wash her hair and get a cat so she could go feed it. As she tried to make her escape, her womanly hips made contact with his slightly narrower pelvis and boy howdy did it feel good. Without thinking he fell down on her, "Hmmm, that felt good. Do it again." He whispered his eyes closed. His underpants were getting tighter, opening his eyes, he looked down at Amy who was panting and biting her red bottom lip, clearly feeling his erection against her stomach, "Don't worry about that. I get them all the time now. They always go down eventually." He smiled at her. "you wear too many clothes. I only saw your boobies once you know. I should see them again." He brushed her hair out of her face. He reached down and began to unbutton her blouse._

_She sprang to life, "Sheldon you are drunk," she rolled out from under him. "You don't want to do this." She stood up, and began to yank down the skirt she was suddenly wearing like a belt, not realizing how much of her blouse Sheldon had opened._

"_Amy, just come to bed, I am getting sleepy, but we can cuddle for awhile." He stood up, and pulled on each side of her open blouse, "I can see your bra," he grinned, "it's purple. Are you panties purple too?"_

_Amy gaped at him as if speechless and said, "Yeah."_

"_Come to bed." He pulled her toward him, "we can go to sleep." He kissed her again, "I won't be so drunk when I wake up, then you won't have any excuses," his hands slide inside her blouse, pulling it out of her skirt. The skin of back was smooth and silky, "in the morning, you won't have any excuses." His voice sounded hungry in his head._

"_No, you'll provide those." Amy whispered sadly, "Excuses." She kissed his check and pulled away, "Go to bed." She slipped out of the room._

Amy always had to be right, Sheldon thought grimly.

Underpants exchange, boobies, he remembered all of it. He remembered slapping her ass on Thanksgiving too. He remembered the drive home with his head in her lap and his hands going all over the place. He only had the guts to try to anything with her when he was drunk, but when he was drunk he'd attack her like he was a golden retriever and she was hiding peanut butter under her skirt.

"No, why would I be nervous about trying to get you into bed Amy?" Sheldon asked the air, "My best "Let's share my sleeping bag/I want to see your boobies again" approached failed. That's my A-game, lady!" It wasn't all about sex. He knew that. It was about her feeling like he loved her. How was that done? He knew he loved her. Did he have to open every conversation that way? Wouldn't that seem disingenuous? "I love you, Amy. Did you bring the low sodium soy sauce?"

He couldn't do what Leonard to show Penny he loved her. Amy could afford to buy her own food, clothing and WiFi, her mind was breathtakingly beautiful and her car was kept in meticulous repair. He had no idea how Howard and Bernadette kept the flame alive, but it seemed to involve sarcasm and glaring.

Sheldon frowned, there might be one thing. He got off his bed and took a 3 subject notebook out of his top drawer. In sharpie on the front was written, "Letters to Amy, summer of 2014." He thumbed through it, every page had writing on it, front and back. It was everything he felt from the summer. He'd been lonely without her. Maybe he'd expressed it better in what he wrote.

He wrapped the notebook in the tissue paper his dress shirt had come in and put it the shirt box. He began to dress, he had a package to deliver.


	14. Amy's Letters

_Okay, this fanfiction has officially taken over my life. Chuck, Bill and WB know it's not because I am getting paid._

**Amy's Letters**

Amy awoke the next morning predictably feeling like shit on a shingle. She called into work and talked to Tim. He asked how the night had gone, she told him to check YouTube to see if it was online yet. If he found it and if he came to any conclusions, he should text her. She ended the call put her kettle on and went to get the newspaper. It was an affection, but getting her morning paper from her front porch just made her feel like a home owner. As she opened her front door a box fell in. It was tied up in a red wine stained necktie. Picking up the box and the paper Amy went back to her kitchen and set them both on her island.

The necktie, she recognized from last night, it was a checkered patterned that added a hint of whimsy to 2 sexy 2 live grey suit Raj had put Sheldon in. Amy hesitated for a moment, then opened the box. On top was a neatly, hand written note.

_Dear Amy,_

_I know there isn't a way to tell you that you never left my thoughts these last weeks and months. Not one that you will believe, at any rate. So I'll have provide you with proof. I know that I can trust you to understand that I wasn't myself when I wrote many of these entries, I know you won't judge me harshly for the sentiments I reveal here. There is only one thing I want you to ask yourself. Did Sheldon ever forget about Amy? Does he love her and miss her?_

_It's unedited and several sections have unnerving serial killer quality to the handwriting. This is just for you to read. Please don't share it with anyone else. Call me when you are done. _

_Always thinking of you,_

_SLC _

She held the letter to heart for a moment**, **as the kettle tooted at her. She put the letter on top of the notebook and made her tea, while keeping her eyes on the box. She half expected it to disappear or for herself to wake up. If he did love her, Amy thought, if he had been trying to protect her maybe she could...

Get way ahead of herself. She chided herself for thinking she was in Nicholas Sparks novel. She would drink her tea, eat her breakfast, then read. While she let one bag of Rooibos Cinnamon and one bag of English Breakfast steep in her mug, she had one thing to do.

When Sheldon returned to his room after his shower, he saw he had a text message.

_SLC,_

_I found your gift at my door. I have taken today off work to read. I'll call you when I am done. I am almost afraid to start, but I will begin once I end this text. Whatever I find in your notebook, you trusting me with it means more than you can know._

_AFF_

Sheldon smiled at the text message. Amy understood the reasoning. Hopefully she would understand the handwriting. He wasn't joking about the serial killer quality. He'd almost thought he'd had a brain tumor...

His phone peeped again. He looked at it.

_You don't have a brain tumor_

_AFF_

Sheldon walked out into the living room with a big grin splitting his face.

"What are you smiling about?" Penny asked as she mainlined some coffee.

"Amy texted me that I don't have a brain tumor." His eyes were very bright, "I think I am going to go into work today." He grabbed his messenger back and walked out the door.

Once the door closed. Penny began to sing off key "S-H-A-M-Y! S-H-A-M-Y! O-T-P. My ship is sailing bitches," she kissed her hand, slapped her ass, pointed at God. "Peace out!" She turned to find Leonard starting at her though two black eyes over his bandaged nose.

"Do I want to know?" he asked.

"It's fandom, you wouldn't understand."

Amy put on her yoga pants and sat on her front porch swing. She opened the notebook to the first page.

May 20th 2014

_Amy, I've been gone almost a week and I find myself talking to you all the time. Your picture on my laptop, your profile on LinkedIn, Facebook, all of the fun with flag episodes you co-hosted, I look at them and talk to them like they are you and you are here. And I pretend that I could call you and tell you everything I see and feel. But then I remember the last time I saw you, what you said, what I said. Your face when I left, the pain in my chest knowing I was so far from being able to give you... anything. Anything except the wreck I've become. You are adaptive Amy. I would die before I let you adapt to me. Like this. But the strong adapt, Amy. You adapt. I admire that in you and I fear that in you._

_I can't help being afraid of you, of everything in my life. I feel all these forces around me reshaping me, trying to erode the Sheldon that is into something new. Of all the destructive forces, the death of Arthur, the birth of my nephew, my professional humiliation, the burning of the comic book store, the marriage of Leonard and Penny, perhaps losing my home, my mother's fornication, being trapped in a discipline I no longer believe has merit, I find the strongest force battering my barricades is Amy Farrah Fowler. Everything else is bashing its way through, banging, screaming, pounding, but not Amy. Amy is a river, she is water running over the surface of the walls I've built. She'll change my shape slowly, she has patience. Unlike the others she doesn't want to break me, only to smooth down my edges, not realizing I need those to fight off the others. Amy's pressure is gentle and feels like comfort. Then one thing happens, then I see everything. I kiss Amy, and I know I've been her plaything forever. I know I can't stop kissing her. I know where it will lead, and think she does not._

_You didn't know you were doing it. You wouldn't know if I told you what you've done or how you've done it. You still think I could sleep in a room next door to you every night and not have to finally have you with me. You think it could be chaste. I'll tell you two secrets, my Amy, I love you, but you're a fool. _

_Now I'll got to sleep, or try to. I'll wonder if you are really "fine." I told you I was fine. I lied. Did you lie to me too? SLC_

Amy put the notebook down on her lap, briefly wondering if she could keep reading. When he'd first left, when she hated only herself, she'd been so afraid that he is heart ached like this. But she thought it ached for his other losses not her. She pulled her knees up to her chest and began to sob inconsolably. It last a few minutes, before she even attempted to regain control.

Deciding she didn't want to be the crying porch lady, she went upstairs to the sitting room outside her bedroom. The room was irrepressibly sunny. Perhaps it would cheer her. She hoped the next entries wouldn't make her cry again.

_May 21__rd__, 2014_

_Amy, I am trying to adapt my bowel schedule to life on the rail. I had my first movement in 4 days this morning. It wasn't a passing of stool, it was like exorcising a stool demon. I now fully sympathize with Missy's caterwauling while passing that melon headed baby. I am also beginning to suspect all train food is made out of cardboard and cheddar cheese. Wish you were here. SLC_

Stretching, Amy got a big smile on her face. "Oh, yeah baby, that's the stuff!"

_I know poetical Sheldon might be a little OOC, but he never thought any one would read it and he is having a nervous spaz attack._


	15. The Levels of Frustration

_Bridge chapter that let's you know where I think is an acceptable place for Sheldon to spend the summer. I own nothing. I doubt the true bosses, Chuck, Bill and Warners have the same ideas for Sheldon summer of spaz as I do._

**The Levels of Frustration**

Amy's read through of the notebook only took five hours. Five hours crammed with all the emotional highs and lows, hope and hurt feelings of spending 4 months with Sheldon. The benefit to the notebook was clarity of expression and the next letter was usually better. He'd hardly missed a day writing to her. A half hour in, the good student inside her broke out the book flags and began to categorize the entries. Thank God, she had 10 colors. Sheldon was complex and apparently the topics he needed to discuss with her were as well.

Red-Sexy Sex

Pink-Lovey Love

Yellow Fear of Intimacy; Essays on why Amy needs to study Kolinahr

Black-Essays on why Sheldon Sucks

Blue-Field of study ideas

Pale Blue-Book and Book Research issues

Orange-Life on the Road, bodily functions, food complaints

Peach-Speculations on what Amy is doing now

Purple-Living and studying with Jesuits

Lavender-Analyzing Amy's social media presence

Sheldon had thoughtfully arranged the entries by his level of frustration. Section 1 **Stressed**; Section 2 **Highly stressed**; Section 3 **Bowels adversely affected by level of stress.**

Amy wanted to reread all of the notebook, but certain letters required immediate further study. She opened a page tagged with Red/Purple/Pink.

_June 1__st__ 2014_

_Amy, I just spoke to you on the phone. Please don't be sad! I'd rather hear you scream that you hate me, then cry. Then you lied again. You said you are fine. But I also lied back and said the train trip was refreshing._

_The train trip ended 3 days ago. I've landed and for now I am staying with some Jesuit faculty members at Georgetown while I research a book. The various libraries here in Washington are amazing. Sometime, when I get myself together, you and I can come here together and just do research for a week._

_My room is a small cell-like space. Since I am a faculty member on sabbatical, it is very cheap. Since I seem to an escaped mental patient, I think their vows of charity have also kicked in. My room is primarily used for religious retreats or intense contemplation. It has no wi-fi, and no outlets. All the light sources are hard wired to the walls. It has an extra-long twin bed, a desk, a bookshelf, a wardrobe, a bedside table and large foreboding crucifix is the only decoration. Well it was. _

_By the way, Leonard went behind my back to arrange the sabbatical. He's a nervy little thing. I suppose one can't complain, if one's seniority and health insurance remain intact. That of course, didn't stop me._

_This is where you smile Amy. Maybe you'll shake your head a little or roll your eyes a bit, but this is where you smile. I can see you smiling in my mind._

_And now I can see you smiling on my bedside table. Since it is more difficult for me to use technology to keep track of your face, due to my ascetic circumstances. I went old school. Father Jack drove me to Target to buy some clothes (he very high handedly insisted I switch to boxers, because of sperm count. I am wearing them now. Life is breezy in boxers). I digress, I saw a picture frame covered in crystals. I thought of your tiara. So I had to have it. I had my laptop with me, so I picked out a nice picture of you. Now you are in the tiara picture frame, gaudying up my monastery with your vixenish good looks and your shiny hair and casting little rainbows when light hits your picture frame._

_I am writing this, while lying in bed, watching the prisms of light refracting around me, looking at you and thinking... things that would surprise you, Amy. What would surprise you more is how long these things have been on my mind. And that I am sober when I think them. You'd also be shocked how well thought out my fantasies are and how absurdly impossible they would be to implement. Mostly because I am a coward and you are a vixen with honor. Most of them involve crossing the sexual Rubicon and "punching our V cards" together. Some are less fraught, in some you've been my lover for ages. _

_Do you remember the night, I wanted to switch underwear with you. I know it was juvenile, but I wonder what would have happened if we'd actually completed the swap. Or you'd been lured back into bed for "cuddling" and "sleeping". Now the truth can be told, I wish you'd have been a little drunker, so any of my ideas would have sounded like amazingly good ideas. I wish I'd been a little less drunk so I could have been less oafish. One day, perhaps, you and I will attain together, that elusive mutual blood alcohol content… We'll know what we want, and what we'll want will be to wrestle. Naked, hopefully._

_That last thought has caused my problem to return. Others might call it a boner, or give it a strange nickname (Baron von Weiner-Sach; Rodney the Bold, Slugger), but it just my penis. It is standing at attention and asking the only questions it knows, "So… Is Amy here? No? God damn it! Will she be here later? How about her lady parts? Could you call her?" I just try to ignore it. Stupid penis. _

_Could I call you? I mean, to come to DC for me. To visit? We could go see the sights, visit the libraries, try to find the correct amount of alcohol. Would you leave? Would I let you leave? Would committing fully to you solve all my problems, like Penny's charlatan claimed "my spirit guides" told her? How could I put all that on pressure on you? _

"_Here, Amy, I love you, Put on your Star Trek Uniform, with your purple bra and panties, those black boots and let's do this sex thing. Will you move in with me? How about marriage? Let's exchange underwear and have some more sex. Happy? Great! Now you have to solve all my problems. Hit the showers, champ, do some brainstorming and I'll be looking for a power point presentation by the end of Business tomorrow." _

_So now I not only have my fear of change, I have to worry that I will destroy you with my crap. More than I already worry about destroying you with my crap._

_I don't want to talk any more. I just want to cuddle my pillow, stare at your picture and abuse myself to the shower fantasy, apartment 4a, version, post-paintball game with other people in the apartment. _

_Spoilers, you need help getting the paint off. SLC._

Amy bit her lip and flipped ahead to the "Spoilers!" letters located in Highly Stressed. And then her cell phone rang. "Not now! I am about to read Sheldon's erotic Amy fan fiction!" She hissed, grabbing the phone. It was Sheldon's cell number. "Calm down, Fowler. Breath, be cool" She took a deep breath and answered the phone, "Hello, Sheldon."

"Hello, Amy," Sheldon said, before pausing, "How has your day progressed?"

"I've done a lot of reading." Amy hedged, her face throbbing in embarrassment.

"Have reached any conclusions about the questions I asked in the first letter?" he asked.

"Yes. I have. We should discuss my conclusions and a few other things. Why don't you come over for dinner? I'll make something special, then maybe we drink just the right amount of wine to…" she heard Sheldon's head hit something wooden, his desk? A door.

"What time should I come over?" he asked.

"I was only kidding about that last part," Amy explained.

"Did you read the whole notebook?"

"Yes. I am starting a reread." Amy admitted.

"Then you know I wasn't joking." Sheldon said softly before pausing, "are you more angry, less angry or the same about of angry after reading the notebook."

Amy laughed, "that would kind of ruin the surprise at dinner, wouldn't it?"

"Amy," Sheldon chided, "Just put me out of my misery."

"That's no fun. I'll give you a hint though, if after we talk, you still want to drink a bottle of wine with me to test your theory, I have a really nice shower in my bedroom."

"So," pause, "I'll come over now."

"It's not even 2pm. I haven't cooked…" Amy glanced around the bedroom. There was study tape everywhere.

"Are you hungry?" he asked.

"No." Amy admitted, "But I have a lot of questions, and they aren't well thought out yet."

"Amy, you know how much I've missed you. I just want to come over, now. Tell me I can." Sheldon demanded softly.

"Okay." Amy smiled, "Come over. I am ready to talk."

"Good, come let me in. I've been sitting on your front porch for an hour." Amy heard the doorbell ring as the phone disconnected.

Amy saw herself in the mirror, hair in a ponytail, no make up, flipflops, frayed yoga pants and a "got brains" zombie tee shirt, no bra, but nice panties, if memory served. "looking good, girl-friend." She winked and shot her image with 2 imaginary six shooters. "Go rope that cowboy."

_Sorry for the delay, my netbook crapped out yesterday and ate my homework. Next installment, tell me in the reviews if you want them to find amount of wine they have to mutually consume to punch their v cards. _


	16. Termination Germination

_You wanted it, here it is... __**SMUT!**_

_General disclaimers: I own nothing. Chuck Bill and WB own__all._

**Termination Germination**

Amy raced down the stairs, glanced in the mirror to reaffirm she looked disheveled as she opened the door. Sheldon stood there, with a bottle of wine and a pastry box, looking handsome and freshly pressed. "Come on in, Sheldon, did you enjoy my porch?" She smiled.

"I did, it is very inviting. The swing is very soothing." Sheldon responded, walking through the door and placing his gifts and messenger bag on an entry table before sweeping Amy into his arms and kissing her softly on the mouth. He felt a second of hesitation before her arms wrapped around his neck and she began to enthusiastically return his kiss.

From Amy's point of view, she'd always been enthusiastic about kissing him, she'd just had little to no confidence in her desirability or that the rug wasn't about to be pulled out from under her if she gave into Sheldon's kisses with the full force of the love and passion she had for him. Well now was the time to give it a whirl. With the strength and agility, she'd gained over the summer, Amy pushed up on Sheldon's shoulders and wrapped her legs around his waist.

This caused him to yelp slightly in surprise which caused Amy to lean back and lift an eyebrow at him as a challenge. Sheldon smirked and moved his hands from her hips to support her ass. She smiled sweetly, before kissing him again, "There you go."

At that moment, Sheldon knew Amy was not wearing a bra, her panties were very tiny and if he could get her to bed, he could get out of talking, at least for now. Feeling her fingers, lightly weaving through his hair, he kissed her hard and began to slowly move toward the staircase.

"Where are you taking me?" Amy whispered into his mouth.

"Upstairs?' Sheldon replied, knowing what she was about to say.

"We have to talk first," She pulled her head back.

"I've heard that talking afterward can be more productive." Sheldon edged a bit closer.

Amy unwrapped her legs and wiggled free of Sheldon's last ditch butt grab, "I've heard men pass out immediately after." She took his hand, "I can't do anything up there with you, until we talk in there," she took his hand and led him into her living room. "Sit there." Amy pointed to right side of your sofa, "It's your spot."

"How could you know that?" He smiled trying to get her back into kissing position as she slipped past him and sat in an arm chair next to his spot.

"Your parameters for spot selection are a fairly simple algorithm. Anyone with graduate level calculus, knowledge of addictive and obsessive brain functionality and genius level spatial reasoning could tell instantly which spot is yours." Amy gestured to the spot.

Sheldon sat, "So just you."

"There is probably a couple of dudes in China, and an older lady in Minsk, but I don't think they'd bother." Amy smiled and took a deep breath. "Before I start, I want to say, there is only one thing stopping me from getting back together with you today. It is the fact that you won't sign the termination notice on the relationship agreement."

Sheldon's eyes narrowed, "I am sorry, you just stopped making sense."

Crossing her legs, Amy kept going, "Correct me if I am wrong, but we have an understanding today that if you attempt to seduce me, I will seduce you right back. Correct?

"I understood it to mean that or we'd be attempting the blood alcohol sexual compatibility experiment."

"I concur. I cannot, in good conscience, participate in any sexual act with you, today while bound by the relationship agreement." Amy announced, "You either release me from it right now or we spend the weekend talking and binge watching Orange is the New Black on my new TiVo." Sheldon quickly clocked her entertainment center, Amy grinned, "Yes, it's the Romeo with a mini extension in my bedroom. Howard low voltage wired the hell out of this place. I have full house WiFi, I can control all my home systems from my phone. It looks like a craftsman but inside the walls, it's the Jetsons."

"I don't see a robot maid." Sheldon replied, trying to hide his sudden desire to call Howard for the specs.

"I had to let the bitch go, she was stealing my stash of WD-40 and molesting my washing machine." Amy said dryly. "Back to the situation at hand, you sign the termination release today, we can conceivably get back together right away, if you don't sign the release, we have to wait until possibly Tuesday to reconcile. Those are the choices."

"Counter proposal, you rescind the termination release and we go upstairs." Sheldon negotiated.

"Can't do it. There is no provision in the relationship agreement for mutual seduction. Any time we've add physical contact to the relationship agreement it's because you initiated it without asking and chose to add it to the relationship rather than enter the lengthy review process." Amy stated, "I signed the document and I've mostly held to the rules. No sex while the document is in effect."

"We could amend it." Sheldon responded, looking in vain for a computing device. Yeah, Jetsons, sure.

"We can't, not while it's in the three day waiting period. That's in the by-laws and rules of order. Besides. I decline to participate in the amendment process." Amy shrugged.

"Why?" Sheldon asked, plaintively.

"Because..." Amy mimicked him, then smiled, "As a whole the document is pointless. I've proven myself dutiful girlfriend, there's no reason to believe that will change even if I am not chained to the world most emotionally oppressive document... and yes, I do mean that." She paused, "I won't object to a monthly schedule being set, regular date nights being adhered to. In the event that we ever do cohabitate, I will participate in a drafting of a house agreement. Otherwise, you are going to have to trust that I will act with consideration toward you and I will have to trust you to show me the same respect."

Sheldon's eyes began to dart indicating he was processing the information as presented. Amy patted his hand, "I am going to run upstairs and run a brush though my hair and clean up my study area."

"Study area?" Sheldon perked up.

"I used book flags to color code topic categories in your notebook for easy reference," She saw his eyes light up at her organizational skills, and raced up the stairs.

Sheldon sat on the couch, appreciating the cross breeze, the comfortableness of the sofa, the sightline to the television, the conversational dominance to other seating options. He could tell about the evening sun situation yet, but it was unlike Amy to neglect anything he really needed or desired.

So why did he really need to keep her tied up in what she had called an emotionally oppressive document? The relationship agreement would end on Monday. The only thing that could prevent a reconciliation with Amy was if he insisted he needed one to be with her. He wanted to be with her, that's why he refused to sign the release. Or did he refuse to sign because he knew that even if he won her back she'd never sign another agreement?

His mind went back to his last conversation with Father Jack before he left Georgetown. They'd discussed Amy. Acknowledging Sheldon's discomfort with God, Jack spoke of the universe. The universe had provided him to Amy and Amy to him. Amy had embraced the gift of love and wanted to live it fully and Sheldon had avoided acknowledging the nature of the gift while admitting only his fondness for Amy. Instead he sought to bind her to him with rules and strictures that would force her to feel shame for the depth of her feeling and imprison Sheldon's finer emotions so far within himself, he would be unable to comfort her. Sheldon held back tears admitting to some of it, but worrying that his finer emotions were being beaten back by a desire to act on his baser ones.

"Sheldon, how long have you been seeing Amy?" Father Jack asked. Sheldon told him. Jack snuck a peak to heaven, then looked around to see that no one was listening, "Both God and the universe think you should have sex with this poor girl already. If I'd known that was the problem... You are a man in love and you are backed up."

"You are a priest!"

"I am a Jesuit and a scientist. Empirically, we can state that celibacy isn't working for you. And logically, the quickest way to get you emotionally and spiritually health is for you to commit a perfectly forgivable sin with a woman you are fully committed to. Also, I've only been a priest since I was 48. I've lived a little. At this point, the greater sin is not embracing the love you've been given, and continuing to deny Amy the love she deserves."

Sheldon got off of Amy's sofa. He'd made up his mind.

Upstairs, Amy had cleaned up her sitting area, put on a matching, but impractical bra and panty set under a form fitting, pink sweater dress. Hoping to close the deal, she put on pale, patterned thigh stockings and high heeled librarian shoes. Her hair piled on her head in a messy bun and the best sexy geek glasses she owned competed the look. Gazing at herself for a second, in her bathroom mirror, "he's not going to sign." She whispered and felt like weeping. She heard footsteps in the bedroom.

Peeping her head out the door, she saw Sheldon holding a legal document and a pen. As she willfully held back a wave of nausea she walked out of the bathroom. She blushed when she saw his pupils dilate. "I am going to sign, but I want to explain why I willingly signing and why I am not being coerced."

Thrilled that he doesn't feel coerced, Amy nodded and gestured to the love seat in the sitting room. As he sat down his eyes lingered on the color coded notebook and he looked into her eyes and grinned. Grinning back, she spoke, "I want to hear what you have to say."

"Come sit next to me." He patted the seat. Amy obeyed and positioned herself as far from him as she could. It still wasn't far enough that their knees didn't touch or that he could reach out to grasp her hands which he did. Amy mind raced back to a letter describing the first time he'd held her hand, during Howard's launch. How it had calmed his anxiety and made him feel safe. And then another entry about how he preferred the palm to back of hand clasp because it was less sweaty. Sliding her palms to the back of his hands, she waited.

"You were right, the agreement was meant to control you. It prevented you from feeling how much I love you and it gave me a way to never be forced to show you. It was also meant to trap you. You signed, you were mine that was it. I was an ass and I was proud of that. I need you to forgive me. I knew what I was doing. I just knew I didn't want to lose you and I needed time." He paused.

"Time for what?" Amy asked. "To get used to feelings of closeness, time to see if you could make me not love you or time to see if the feelings would go away?"

"Yes." Sheldon frowned. "But I kept feeling more, it kept feeling scarier and less like something I could control. Even with my iron clad agreement. And then I wanted you more. So I started touching you more. Hugs, arm rubs," he looked at their hands, "voluntary handholding, drunken ass slapping, the drunken head-in-lap grope... then that night with drunken proposals, sleeping bag co-sleeping, under pant exchange..."

"Your desire to exercise your right to see my boobies?" Amy offered.

Sheldon paused, "Yeah... that... that happened. What was I talking about?"

"Wanting more than the relationship agreement allowed. Is that why you are going to sign the termination?" Amy asked.

"That's a part of it. The main reason is I can't be the man I want to be if the only way I can keep you with me is like this. I won't good enough and I have to believe that started to spread to other parts of my life. It was part of why I ran." Amy nodded and leaned forward to kiss him, "Nope." He stopped her. "You can still get a strike young lady." She fell away from him laughing and shaking her head, he chided her "Come on. That's the last time I ever get to say that to you. Let me have it."

"Fine, fine." She shook her head and stretched. Her skirt rose up slightly giving him brief glimpse of...

"Are those stockings?" the blood retreated from his face. Amy shrugged and lifted her skirt a little higher to give him a better look at the lacy tops. He stared blankly for a second, seized the pen and signed his name in a fully illegible manner before throwing the document on the side table. "Wine experiment?" He asked, looked for minute like he wanted to pounce on her.

"I had an oration about placebos, but I think a little glass of wine might take the edge off," Amy replied, unwittingly in a position that invited pouncing.

"Raj helped me buy the bottle when he drove me over. So it should be potable," Sheldon stood up, looked around nervously, "what do we do?" he extended his hand to help Amy to her feet.

Amy's brain screamed at her, DO SOMETHING SEXY! She gazed up at Sheldon and turned her flop breathing into a sigh. "We don't have to rush. We have all the time we need." Amy kissed his check, "I am going to get the wine and some glasses. Since I didn't show you the master suite last time, you can look around." She drew away and managed not to run down the stairs.

As soon as he heard her feet on the stairs he raced into the bathroom to splash cold water on his face, but was startled by how nice the bathroom was. It had a double soapstone vanity. A large shower, a water closet and a big, non-claw foot bathtub next to a frosted glass window. Given the nature of a few of his fantasies, this bathroom was really... good.

Amy took a hit straight out of the box of Franzia in the fridge to take the edge off. She and Sheldon were possibly going celebrate their reconciliation by enacting one of the sexy sex letters and ridding the globe of 2 elderly virgins. Well, her hymen wasn't getting broken standing around her kitchen. Amy grabbed the open bottle of wine and two glasses and headed back up stairs. As she did she heard running water.

Interesting.

Sheldon met her in the sitting area, "I had an idea! Grab the wine, let's take a bath."

The pause caused him a moment of panic, but then she leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. "That's a really good idea." Amy went in and put the bottle on the vanity and came out, "it's going to be a while," She walked over to Sheldon and kissed him, "how should we pass the time?" A minute later, Amy's dress and both Sheldon's shirts comingled on Amy's night stand, while Sheldon rolled his vixen on to her back on her bed.

Running his hand over the golden lace of her bra, "This is pretty, what kind of bra is this?" he asked before leaning down to nuzzle his face against her neck.

"It's called a balconet, its only function is to serve my breasts up like a buffet. I bought it ages ago, I've never worn it before," she moaned as his lips moved to her collar bone.

"All mine then?" he sighed, then he lifted his head to stare at her, "now I like it even better."

Amy giggled and messed his hair up with her fingers, "All my cute bras and panties are for you. Promise."

Sheldon laughed and ran hand down her back, to the clasp of her bra, "I like what's inside better." His head popped up, "Water's ready." He kissed her in the middle of her chest, "Let's bathe." When Amy protested she was comfy now, he lifted her up and tossed her over his shoulder, "Bath time sweet heart." And gave her a little butt swat. When he put her down she kissed him deeply. Marveling how strange it was to kiss in just a bra and panties, she reached for his belt, his hands covered hers. Panting softly, "Pour us some wine, I'll do that." Watching her as she turned her away he admired her lace clad derrière. This admiration caused the need to no be wearing pants to swell (some pun intended) so he swiftly shed the rest of his clothing at once and kicked it toward the bedroom.

His arms wrapped around her from behind and he kissed the back of her neck. Closing her eye, she felt her panties being stripped down her legs, Sheldon then leaned down and removed her shoes and stockings one at a time. She trembled as he stood up and unhooked her bra, sliding the lacy garment down her arms. Amy watched his expression of lust and devotion in the mirror. "Get in the tub, now." He ordered her softly. Feeling rebellious, she turned on her spot and rubbed her soft body against his, before moving past him and daintily climbing into the large tub. When she settled, she saw the man she loved staring at her with a possessive predatory gaze. She ran her eyes over his body before noting his large, thick "stupid Penis."

"Get in the tub, please." Amy took her hair down from her messy bun. Sheldon put the wine glasses on the ledge behind Amy's head and climbed in behind her.

Once Amy had the glass in hand, she cheered, "We're naked!" She turned slightly and clinked glasses with Sheldon.

"And we made it to the tub." Sheldon smiled, then looked guilty, "I had a beer on your porch before I called you. I thought once you read about my..." he took a sip of wine.

"Talent for writing Amy Farrah Fowler base erotica?" Amy offered.

"Yeah, that... you might have the wonderful attitude you have and we might wind up doing something fun... like this... I bought a beer at liquor store." Sheldon confessed.

"I drank some chardonnay right out of the box before I came back up stairs." Amy leaned back into his arms, "we will call it 2 drinks each."

"1 ½ each," Sheldon took her glass away, and helped her straddle his lap. "I didn't think this would happen so soon... ever." He moaned.

"I knew when I saw you come into my lab, you were going to get me back," Amy whispered in his ear before biting ear lobe sharply, "Boy, it pissed me off. Loving you so much. Never knowing."

"But you know now, right?" Sheldon cupped her face in his hands, "You know now, don't you?"

Amy smiled and nodded, her eyes glistening, "I know now. You letting me read the notebook... it must have felt like such a risk." She felt his body shift slightly, his thick cock resting against her pussy.

"Trusting you isn't a risk," he kissed her, sliding his tongue into mouth, devouring her for minutes and minutes. Just the kissing itself took Amy to the edge of an orgasm. She felt boneless as he changed positions, kneeling the center of the tub so he could enter her more deeply. Gripping his shoulders she kissed his nose.

Amy had surrendered to him sexually and he was stunned at how beautiful she was when she let it go. Everything sensation seemed magnified in the warm water. The slickness of their bodies moving against each other, her wet hair wrapped around his fist as he kissed and kissed and kissed her. Now he held her above his cock waiting to enter her, he knew he should have asked for once more for permission, but he also knew she wanted him to open her and she didn't want to wait. The fact that before the thought fully formed, Amy sank straight down on his shaft and her wild gasps as she rode him also told him maybe the submissive thing wasn't a full time thing. She wrapped an arm around his neck and rubbed her other hand up and down his chest, kissing him desperately as he snapped his hips to meet hers. Growling into her ear, "Come for me, all over my cock, beautiful Amy."

Panting she nodded, "Harder, Christ, Harder. I love you. Love you! LOVE YOU!" She came harder then she thought possible. Sheldon followed her a few seconds later, mumbling equations, some Latin, his lover's name over and over as he let go inside of her.

As they huddled in the bathtub, panting and clinging to each other, the smoke began to clear for the official non-virgins.

They were starving. "You know," Sheldon whispered, "I brought the good doughnuts."

Amy stretched her arms over her head, and grinned, "Interesting!"


	17. Oh, Yeah I Have a Life Now

_Usual disclaimers._

**Oh, Yeah, I Have a Life Now**

To say the new integration of Sheldon Lee Cooper and Amy Farrah Fowler into the Shamy, with Coitus, Osculation and Emotional Honesty upgrades, forget that other people existed would be a plausible hypothesis. It would be verified when post-Doctor Who floor/afghan sex, cowgirl style, was interrupted by banging on Amy's front door.

"Amy! Open the door!" bellowed Debbie Wolowitz.

"Oh, shit." Amy froze, looking down at Sheldon blankly.

Upon hearing Mrs. Wolowitz's voice, things started to settle down for Sheldon's penis to the point where it voluntarily retreated from its new safe place. "Why is she here?" he whispered as he grabbed the sheet that had been his only clothing for the past sixteen hours.

"Funny story," Amy said, putting on her robe, "She's going to be living with me for the next 2 weeks." Amy laughed, insincerely.

"That's funny if it's not true." Sheldon sat on the sofa with a thump.

"It's true. I stayed with her after my lease ended while this place was being finished. She is staying here until her condo is ready. I am returning the favor." Amy explained quickly.

"You have to back out of that." Sheldon said, firmly standing up.

"I don't have to." Amy said, "I promised. Debbie is my friend. I owe her."

"Let's see what she thinks," Sheldon walked toward the door. "Surely, Mrs. Wolowitz won't want to be in house full of unrestrained sexual contact or to interrupt or inhibit the same. She's a romantic."

"Oh, you are barking up the wrong tree, big dog." Amy muttered. Thinking about stopping him for a second, before she made that always wisdom-filled ,split second decision. _Ah, fuck it. Let's see just see what happens._

Sheldon, against all logical and personally held knowledge, assumed it would just be Mrs. Wolowitz standing on the porch. That she would be moving her things into Amy's home without assistance. He was, of course, wrong. So when he flung the door open, wearing just his tasteful floral toga, he was greeted by Mrs. W, Howard, Bernadette, Stuart, Raj and Emily. "Hi... Amy!" he yelled before slamming the door, in a panic and turning to see a smirking Amy standing at the foot of the stairs.

"How did you see that playing out in your head?" She inquired.

He held the door closed with his body, panting in terror. "I don't know. I've had nightmares like that." The bell began to ring incessantly.

"Want to go put some clothes on, cowboy?" Amy asked, biting her lips to not laugh at him as the bell never ceased its furor. "GIVE ME A MINUTE!" She screamed.

Nodding and walking to the stairs, "Why does she need 5 people to help her move?"

"We are going to brunch at the Arboretum afterward." Amy gave him a push up the stairs.

Amy went to the door and took a deep breath before opening it, only the women remained on the porch. "What happened to Raj, Howard and Stuart?" she asked.

"They are starting to unload the car, darling." Debbie cut the other women a stern side eye, "Go get dressed, we are going to the coffee shop around the corner. We," She looked at the Bernadette and Emily, "will wait on the porch to enjoy the weather."

"Thanks, Debbie." Amy smiled.

She raced up the stairs to find Sheldon had made the bed and was sitting on it, looking nervous. "This going to be unpleasant." He looked up at her with the sad puppy face.

"Less than you think." Amy stood in front of him, and kissed the top of his head. "Debbie is taking me and the girls around the corner to a café. You'll only have to deal with the boys. And you'll have to help move in Debbie's stuff."

Just dealing with the boy sounded pleasant, having their sexual activity curtailed by the presence of Mrs. Wolowitz for the next two weeks sounded... GOD DAMN IT!

"Sheldon," Amy held his chin so he had to look at her, "I made a new life this summer. It's got most of the same people and locations, but the configurations are a bit different. But this is my life, I am going to dynamite a huge place in it for you, but I am keeping a lot of things the same. So if you don't like Debbie or the fact that I am better friends with Emily and Stuart than Leonard and Penny now, you better learn to pretend."

Amy went to get dressed and Sheldon yelled, "Did Mrs. Wolowitz lose a lot of weight?"

"Oh my God! Please go ask her that! It will make her day!" Amy called from the bathroom.

After Amy emerged from the bathroom, the couple went down stairs. The door was open and the boys were moving suit cases into the house. "She's staying for two weeks," Sheldon hissed into Amy's ear. He could see Emily and Bernadette swinging on the porch swing, staring blanking ahead, as Leonard ran past them into the house, grinning from ear to ear. Sheldon was pleased to see Leonard but sensed Penny's presence could turn Amy's porch into Thunderdome.

Debbie looked over his head Leonard's, "I told him not to tell the little blond girl. She won't help anything right now."

Sheldon smiled sincerely, "Have you lost weight, Mrs. Wolowitz?"

"Oh, Sheldon," the older lady blushed, "Thank you for noticing, darling!"

During the walk to the café Amy stuck to Debbie's side like glue. Her gait was a little off. She sang under her breath, "She walks like an ex-virgin."

Emily and Bernadette spontaneously grabbed her from behind and began hugging her. Saying they were sorry for acting shocked and of course they were happy for her... if she was happy.

Debbie sternly pushed the girls off Amy, "It was her first time, she's sore in new places." She said in her huge voice.

While that might be true, Amy wasn't 100% sure she wanted it shouted on the street in front of a coffee shop.

Catching her friend's horror, "Your first spinning class is such a pain in the ASS!" Bernadette said loudly, knowing it would also explain the walk.

According to custom, Amy, Bernadette and Emily yelled "Punny Joke! Bwhahaha!"

Debbie glanced at the trio, "I guess I am glad I didn't have daughters."

Back at the house, Sheldon had been cornered by all of his friends to ask about his newly de-virginized state. The questions were vulgar, mostly focusing on the amount of time "in the saddle", jokes about premature ejaculation and the unlikelihood of Amy achieving sexual satisfaction on her inaugural coital exploit. None of which was either relevant or helpful. Stuart had resolutely continued moving things into the guest room.

Raj looked at Stuart and shook his head, "That's rough."

"What it is?" Sheldon asked.

Howard shook his head, "Remember when Bernadette told you about the suitors 3? That is the last one." He indicated Stuart.

"Oh yeah, sure." Sheldon scoffed.

"Every time we went out as a group, he was her date. When he was talking care of my mom, they used to go out to dinner once a week, to get him out of the house. Then when she bought this house, Stuart and Bernadette's dad remodeled it for her." Howard informed him. "They went into business together. They are flipping my Mom's house right now."

"What about the comic book store?" Sheldon asked, concerned.

"That's what worries you?" Raj asked. "Another guy provided emotional succor and weekly dates to your old girlfriend/new lover and you are worried about comic books."

"I am not going to worry about Stuart." Sheldon said arrogantly.

Howard glared, "Then how about thanking him for helping to keep her sane and holding her hand during the worst of your absence? He was a really good friend to Amy. I know she appreciated it, I think you should too."

"Fine." Sheldon stood up and went into the guest room. Stuart was sitting at the window seat looking at the back yard. "Stuart?"

Stuart looked up, "Hey Sheldon, I was just thinking how nice this room turned out. The whole house turned out just like we wanted, but this room, I forgot how nice it is."

"Are you okay?" Sheldon asked.

"I heard you were back. I mean, I knew. I was the one trying to talk her out of sending the termination email, out of holding the relationship agreement bonfire, because Amy still loved you..." Stuart rambled, "after the summer was over and you still weren't back, that's when I thought you weren't coming back. That maybe she and I could have something more than navigating my anxiety disorder and her mourning related depression." Stuart finished.

"I am going to do better this time." Sheldon said looking at the window. "I'll make her happier."

"You couldn't very well make her less happy." Stuart said coldly before leaving the room.

Bernadette and Emily had promised Howard and Raj that they would accept whatever Amy's decision about her life wound up being. They just hadn't expected her decision to be revealed as a mostly naked Sheldon Cooper answering her front door so damn soon.

"It just happened so fast." Emily said.

"How fast to you start sleeping with Raj after you met?" Amy asked, smiling, knowing the answer.

"Yeah, but I am a huge slut, you know that." Emily chided her.

"All you need to know is that I am not longer bound by an relationship agreement, he willingly released me from it and I lost my virginity between 2:30 and 3:15pm yesterday afternoon. It was in my bathtub, he's huge and not only did I have an orgasm, I might still be having it... Or that might be from this morning. We did it 5 times."

"That just raises more questions for me, vixen." Bernadette grinned.

"Well it explains why she's walking like she's wearing a super flow tampon and panty shield day, though," Emily chuckled.

"This is pretty talk." Debbie shook her head, "This ice tea tastes like that barista boy already passed it."


	18. The Perfect Girl is Gone

_Usual disclaimers, a quick snippet of Amy and Debbie's friendship._

**The Perfect Girl is Gone**

_September 4__th __2014_

Another dark night of the soul. Amy thought, gloomily as she sipped her peppermint and catnip tea. The thought of scandalizing Sheldon with her wild ass tea mixing, couldn't bring a smile to her face. All her life was in pod container being stored at an undisclosed location until Mike and Stuart finished the Money Pit.

It wasn't a pit, it was her baby. And given the state of her current prospects, unless she was willing to give a turkey baster the time of day, this house might be the only baby Amy got.

She curled up on Mrs. Wolowitz's sofa her mug making a soft clash against the glass top of the coffee table.

"Is that a burglar?" Bellowed Debbie, "I have 911 on speed dial and I trained in Krav Maga on a Kibbutz when I was a teenager!

"Debbie!" Amy called, "I am just having tea!"

The older woman came lumbering down the stairs, "Why are you awake, Amy, darling. Are you hungry?"

Amy shook her head, "No, if eat now I'll have nightmares." She peered into her mug.

"You've only been here a few days," Debbie sat on the other side of the sofa, "So if I have an introspective, hipster night owl, let me know, I can give the white noise machine a try again." Pause, "It all sounds like whales humping to me, though."

"How come they get to hump?" Amy frowned.

"Their standards are low." Debbie patted her young friend's knee. "I thought you were getting over Sheldon, all these new men..."

Amy made a face, "As it turns out. There isn't that much selection out there right now."

"For a properly selectively young lady, there should always be a limited supply." Debbie assured the younger woman.

"How can you make that sound like positive thing? A limited supply is a thing?" Amy asked.

"Listen, honey. You are a nice young woman. I think there aren't too many men you'd like for more than a minute. They'd be too dumb, arrogant with no reason, boring, handsy, or worse they wouldn't appreciate that you are a ruby. A virtuous woman."

"Virtuous through lack of opportunity." Amy shook her head.

"I don't believe that, my darling. Never." Debbie patted her hand, "And a woman's virtue isn't just how trampy a woman is or isn't, it is about what's in her heart. It's about how she carries the load she's given, even when she'd much rather drop it and run."

Tears streamed down Amy's face, "I can't drop this. I miss him. I pretend I don't, but I always miss him. When will I get over him? Is it always going to be Sheldon? I spend so much time doing things, and running around acting happy so I won't think. Then every so often it's a Thursday, and I remember, it's date night. I want my kiss. I want my stupid kiss, Debbie! It's been months now. I want to stop feeling this way. Why can't I not love him?"

Debbie took the tea from Amy's hands and set it down. She opened her arms and Amy dove in for a hug. "You aren't perfect. I can't make it better, I wouldn't know how to start. But you are special. God didn't make you so special, put so much love in you for no purpose."

"I don't believe in..."

"Oh, hush, let me ramble." Debbie scolded, "sometimes we just need the sound of another person telling us it is okay, that we can't change anything."

"You are downer sometimes, Mrs. W" Amy smiled, "Thanks for not fixing me."

"You are welcome, darling. I still say you should eat something." 


	19. Wait, Why are You so Pleased?

_Usual disclaimers and there will be smut next chapter_.

**Wait, Why are You so Pleased?**

Sheldon knew this day was going to be interminable now. His original plan of wearing a sheet all day, while seducing Amy on various flat surfaces of her new home had gone to hell in Mrs. Wolowitz's Samsonite luggage. Now he had to indulge in the ludicrous meal hybrid of brunch. Outdoors. Before his trip (was that what he was calling it now? Summer long sulk, sabbatical, self-flagellation study break… Epic spaz out) he could have whined his way out of it, trusting that Amy would put him and her desire not to have him ruin everyone's meal, first.

Now he couldn't do that. Or, rather, Sheldon would not allow himself to fall back into that pattern. He wanted to prove that he fit into this new world his absence had forced Amy to create. He had to prove that he fit in. Stuart had left after their conversation. Sheldon really hated the idea that Stuart was the third suitor. The idea that Stuart had remodeled her house, did he do it with the idea that he would live here with her? Did Mike help him with that idea in mind? Every room in this house had been created by Stuart with the idea of Stuart's having Amy as his own girlfriend, wife, lover?

Sheldon glared around Amy's sitting room resenting every piece of drywall and molding. Before reminders of the day and night before came to mind, and then he felt his body relax. Whatever Stuart had imagined having with Amy while working on this room, couldn't have compared with the reality of what Sheldon had shared with her last night inside it.

He wanted to talk to someone about last night. He'd needed to talk…

"Hey, buddy…" Leonard called, in that "don't scare the pissed off kitty," voice he used on Sheldon sometimes, "how are you doing up here?"

"Straightening up a few things." Sheldon replied, "Amy forgot she was expecting an invasion this morning, so some tidying up was neglected."

A grin split Leonard's face and he seized Sheldon for a hug, "You dawg!"

Sheldon accepted the hug and then asked, "Seriously why does this make you so happy? My engaging in sexual intercourse?"

Leonard pulled back, "You are my friend?" he suggested.

"I am you friend, I have always been one hundred percent indifferent to your sexual activity, except when it happened on the other side of my wall." Sheldon looked puzzled and sat down on the love seat.

"I am happy that you are finally moving forward with Amy?" Leonard sat down on the girly armchair. "Love is great and all."

"How does that make me a dog?" Sheldon asked.

"I am happy you have joined the rest of us in the muck of sexual desire and can't act so high and mighty all the time?" Leonard made a face, sensing he'd hit the right answer.

"That sounds like a winner." Sheldon paused, "How do you know I am going to be rendered a slave to my sexual impulses, and therefore a "dawg" like the rest of you?"

Leonard tilted his head and smirked and shot Sheldon the universal look that said, _Bitch. Please_.

"Fine." Sheldon sulked slightly, then smiled, "I may, suddenly, at this moment, feel a compulsive need to be alone with Amy's naked body and a bottle of baby oil, but I am still better than you. I will only be with one woman ever. And I am the only man she'll ever be with."

"That just means neither of you comparison shopped." Leonard disagreed, "Penny shopped around plenty before… You know what I… Shut up!"

"Mmmm, Amy's blood work… forever 100% chlamydia and HPV free." Sheldon teased, "I don't care who you are that's sexy. Her cervix was showroom new."

Leonard shook the image out of his head, "Shut up! Don't talk about…I mean…Whatever! I am happy for you guys!" Leonard shouted. "I know you two really love each other!"

"Thank you!' Sheldon yelled back, "I appreciate your support! Yesterday was the best day of my life!"

The shorter man broke into a smile, "Really? That is great. Was it everything you thought it would be?"

"No! Thank God!" Sheldon breathed happily, "I didn't try to run away or anything. Amy and I talked each other through it, we had about a drink and a ½ before we got in the tub…"

"Bathtub sex. That would solve the germ and fluid problem… good thinking. Also since it was Amy's first time… Very good thinking," Leonard nodded, "kind of an advanced move though."

"I know," Sheldon said, looking arrogant, feeling pleased with the praise, "Do you want me to continue."

"Nah." Leonard smiled, "I'll hear the rest from Penny."

"Not if we don't find a way to integrate you back into the group." Sheldon replied. "you two have grown apart from the others this summer and we need to find you a way back."

"What about you?" Leonard asked, "You were gone. How will you find your way back."

"I have Amy. They'll accept me for her sake. Penny has to smooth things over with Emily and Bernadette." Sheldon observed, "or Amy and I could just see you separately. You'd be our side piece." Sheldon smiled.

"That's not what that… Nevermind" Leonard said, "I think Penny and Emily made some progress the night of the stabbing. Maybe it won't be the struggle we think."

As Debbie and the girls walked back from the café, Amy spoke, "I am going to beg off brunch for me and Sheldon."

"Because he doesn't like brunch," Bernadette asked, in a naughty voice, "or because you want to get his ass back in the bathtub?"

Amy glanced over her shoulder, "Bathtub. Also, I can't believe I forgot this was happening today. I need to kind of apologize for not warning him. He's being really sweet."

"Of course he is being really sweet. Now if I many make a suggestion, oral sex really is the perfect apology," Emily called.

"You got a loud voice, sweetheart!" Debbie boomed.

"I've been told that. I have a couple mental problems!" Emily yelled back.

"Not surprising. Look at the company you keep."

"We resemble that remark, Ma." Bernadette frowned, grumpily, kicking the back of Amy's shoes.

"I am a hot mess." Amy announced, "I own it. Now get me home so I can establish my washing machine in Sheldon's mind as a designated sex spot."

"And with that," Emily took Bernadette's arm, "Amy Farrah Fowler truly began to let her freak flag fly."

"Where the hell have you been?" Bernadette scoffed, "Her freak flag's been flying for years. She performed elaborate pre-wedding, fertility rituals on me"

Amy shot Emily a saucy glance, "Jealous?"

"Don't tease me girl, I learned to French kiss at all girls leadership camp. Your world?" Emily pointed at Amy before making and explosion hand gesture, "Rocked." Glancing at Bernadette, "That goes double for you, Strawberry."

"All of you shut up." Debbie sniped. "We are walking the last 2 blocks with no sexual innuendo. You are not the Golden Girls!"

After they returned to the house, the others swiftly deserted Sheldon and Amy for brunch. Leonard told Sheldon, he'd grab Penny to start her group re-integration.

"Okay, but don't let her gloat." Sheldon warned, "Bernadette and Emily have been medium pleasant to me. They are trying."

After they shooed Leonard out the door, Sheldon barricaded it shut. "Is that everybody."

Amy smiled and nodded, "the house is clean of unwelcome entities." She walked up to him and kissed on the lips, "I am sorry. I totally forgot that this was happening today. I can only blame post virginity loss dementia."

"That isn't a thing. I looked up all possible bad outcomes…" Sheldon started, before shaking his head and kissing her back, "thanks for telling me it wasn't just Mrs. Wolowitz, by the way."

Amy snorted, "What? You thought Debbie was alone on the porch?" She laughed, "You should know by now, Deborah Ruth Wolowitz does NOT carry her own bags!"

"Okay," Sheldon wrapped his arms around Amy and turned her around and moved her toward the stairs, "Let's go…"

"Even if you just thought it was Debbie… It's a porch, you were in a sheet…" Amy kept going, as she allowed herself to be propelled toward sex, "based on this, are you sure there is no post-virginity dementia…"

He turned her around at the foot of the stairs and kissed her silent. Happily she wound her arms round his neck, and pressed up against him, "I am really sorry, though." She said, her eyes looking enormous, "Can I show you how much?"

Sheldon didn't know where this was going but he was liking the sound of it, "Sure."

"I am told this is suitable apology, I don't know what I am doing, so feel free to give pointers, say "ow," or "Just, stop."" Amy rambled.

"Are you offering to give me oral sex?" Sheldon asked, praying he wasn't wrong.

Amy nodded and blushed, "Yep."

"Should I shower first? Let's just shower together!" Sheldon asked eagerly, grabbing her hand and guiding her up the stairs.

"Thank God." Amy giggled, "I thought I was going to ruin the mood." She followed behind him and grabbed his ass. Sheldon shrieked girlishly.

After disrobing, they stood facing each other in Amy's enormous shower. "What now?" Amy asked.

Sheldon frowned, "you don't have to do this just to say sorry." Suddenly this bothered him. "You shouldn't do this just because you think I am pouting."

Amy shook her head, "I wasn't really, it was just something the girls said… crap. You are right." She kissed him, "I know you forgave me without it. I can't do things that they do. Their sexual relationships are far too transactional. I just maybe wanted an excuse to offer it? It's hard to know how to bring it up."

"It's hard to figure how to ask for it too." He stroked her wet hair away from her face. "so without promise of an apology acceptance, would you like to give me oral shower sex?"

"I would love to," Amy beamed, kissing him, "Should we use dirty words?" she asked as she knelt.

"Nah, I like it when the dirty words show up later." Feeling her hand stroke him, "oh fuck." Pause, "See, filthy talk just, goddamn girl, like that, comes out all on its own." She giggled, slightly and he slumped against the shower wall. "Amy, where did you…"

She looked up, and smiled, "Cosmo and ice cream cones."


	20. Not All Your Thoughts are Pearls

_Smut as promised; Usual disclaimers_

**Not All You Thoughts are Pearls**

Leonard had gone home to wake Penny with the news. There was much joyous shrieking, much slapping of ass(hers and his own), much braless dancing which morphed into topless dancing as she tried to dress herself. In short it was everything Leonard could have dreamed her reaction would be.

"I have to go talk to Amy!" Penny squealed.

"Now? Not now. From what Sheldon told me, he planned to get her naked and covered in baby oil as soon as he could get her alone. And they've been alone for 20 minutes max." Leonard told his gleeful fiancée.

"By the time we get there it will be 40 minutes. He's new at this. Just getting the baby oil on her, should wrap things up on his end." Penny grinned.

He shook his head, "We are not bursting in on them. You want to be the second cadre of weirdoes to interrupt their sexy time today? At least the first group had a reason to be there and no idea what they were walking in on."

"Ack!" Penny yelped. "No. I want them to be happy. But I don't want to wait for details."

"This is what the wise people called delayed gratification, Penny. We are going to not roust our new not-virgins out of their sex-stupor. I sent them a text and asked them out dinner tonight just the four of us, like old times, except we'll be picking them up at Amy's with a suitcase full of clothes for Sheldon." Leonard said, professorially.

"Thought he got a little more used to dealing with his own stink on the road." Penny smirked.

"yeah, but that doesn't mean he wants to douse Amy with it. He's not a muskrat." Leonard kissed her.

"I suppose," Penny kissed him back for a few more seconds, "Do muskrats really do that?"

"How would I know? I am Laser Boy, not Muskrat Man." Leonard pulled back, "Now. Do you, Miss Penny, want to help Sheldon out a lot in his quest to remain with the lady Amy, his one true love?"

"Hell yes!" Penny nodded.

"Great! Get dressed, we are going to brunch and you are going to buddy up with Emily and Bernadette."

Penny threw her head back and laughed evilly. Leonard caught her face in his hands, shaking his head. "Yeah, about that. Sheldon says, don't." Leonard warned, "He's afraid you'll ruin everything to the point where we are in danger of being the friends that don't get invited to things. Sheldon said we would be his and Amy's "side piece"."

"That's not fair!" Penny frowned. "And that's not what side piece means."

"Life's not fair. Like it won't be fair if Sheldon loses Amy because we act like it's all about us." Leonard frowned back.

"You mean like it's all about me?" Penny scoffed.

"Little bit." Leonard put his hands in his pockets, "You were going to work on getting Amy back as a friend, what happened with that?"

"Well, Thursday didn't work out. Because shit got drunk and stabby. Friday, she was out of the office and not even Sheldon won't give me her new cell phone number because I am a crazy bitch apparently." She was rolling now. "Then you woke me and told me this AMAZING NEWS… and I can't go and celebrate with her because nobody likes me anymore because they all like that BITCH Emily." Penny started to cry.

Leonard didn't know what to do. Finally, he decided on a tactic, "You don't want her to win, do you?" The tears froze on Penny's face. "If you don't show up, Emily just wins. She already took Bernadette from you…" he sighed, "She's acting like she's the queen."

"I'll be ready to go in a minute. And I want Sheldon and Amy for dinner tonight, without entourage." Penny said determinedly.

Penny did hate Emily. As she went to put on something more suitable for subtle combat, she tried to pin point why she hated her so. It wasn't because she was smart. She certainly wasn't as smart as Amy, probably not any smarter than Bernadette. Was it because she was prettier? Pffffft. Redheads. That smart ass bitch was one convertible ride from turning into a freckle. Was it because Amy and Bernadette liked her better?

No. Of course not. Why would they like her better? Penny had assumed they hung out less this summer because Amy and Bernadette had mistakenly assumed Penny had taken Sheldon's side over Amy's during the summer (she'd taken the side of Shamy). Whereas Emily had been Team Angry Amy, proposing a fire in the belly would keep her sane, because Amy as patient Griselda would have killed herself.

That forced Penny to look up Patient Griselda and fuck that. From Chaucer? Or some Italian dude whose name was like bocce ball. Who understood those kind of references? Besides Amy? And Bernadette? And then Leonard knew too? So… balls.

Also it was wrong. Penny hadn't wanted Amy to suffer like she had. But Sheldon was suffering too… All she wanted was for Amy to be in the right head space to forgive him when he came back. Which Penny now knew she shouldn't have butted in on because Sheldon got Angry Amy back on his own, calmed her down, punched her V card and was very probably outta apartment 4A! Life's good.

Sheldon would have agreed with that sentiment as Amy was treating his stupid penis the same way he'd seen her treat a choco-banana at the zoo. Except instead of licking the chocolate off the banana this was more sucking and her hands were involved. She was doing amazing. He'd managed to hold off coming twice not realizing, that wasn't as desirable as it had been during regular sex.

Amy had felt him pull back both times and after the first time it stopped being sexy. After the second time, almost shouted "Come on!" but they were both new at this so indignation wasn't going to relieve her leg cramps or aid in the learning process. Every she looked up, he was enraptured, or gazing down at her like she was a goddess… who sucks. Finally, she had to ask, "How's it going up there?"

"Fantastic," He panted, "Amazing," he reached down to cup her face and felt her moving her jaw around, He stared down frowning, "Is your jaw hurting?"

"I can't feel my legs." She smiled.

"Damn it," Sheldon moaned, helping her to up, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Same reason you didn't come the first time you wanted to." She replied as she stood, "we aren't sure what the etiquette is."

"Are sure we aren't trying to be macho?" Sheldon asked, clasping his fingers under the base of her skull and massaging the muscles over her temporomandibular joint with his thumbs, causing her to sigh in pleasure and relief.

"If you stop, I'll be really pissy." Amy warned turning off the shower. "Keep doing that, I'll get us where we are going." This boast was disproved by the fact one her legs was still asleep kind of buckled.

"Yeah," Sheldon shook his head, "our first sexual injury." He leaned down and kissed her, "I'll get us where we are going."

"How am I going to walk if I don't get my circulation back?" Amy nestled her face against his neck… he smelled like sex and rain. She gave in and licked his up his throat, to his jaw, "This feels so weird. I always wanted to touch you, but now I feel like I have to have my hands on you. And mouth if at all possible…" She pulled his head down to her mouth and began to devour his, before pulling back, "This must an evolutionary trick…"

"Yes," He lifted her in his arms and carried her into the bedroom, whispering, "keeping talking evolution, smart girl."

Amy laughed and held on for dear life, "See this is a masculine display, designed to establish yourself as superior breeding stock." As he gently placed her still damp body on top of her covers, she grinned up at him, "If you were a wild goat you'd be expected to knock your competition off a mountain. In primates, it is very much about testicle size."

Sheldon was on top of her, pining her hands to the sides of her head, "Do I have competition?" He stared down at her possessively.

"No." She smiled up, "No other goat came close. If I liked them, hated them… none of them were Sheldon and I couldn't settle." He kissed her hard almost before the sentence had left her lips. She wanted to wind her arms around his neck, but she was still pinned.

"Good," he whispered in to her ear, "remember that. You can't ever settle. You're mine." He pushed her hands above her head, and wrapped her fingers around the slats, "Stay like this."

"So bossy." She whispered, as lifted off her and moved down. Then she realized he was returning the favor from the shower! "Oh, my goodness," she gasped. Sheldon Cooper was taking her to Salt Lake City! Of all the sweaty, moist humpy sex she'd experienced… Amy knew this was where she was in danger of losing her mind… for it felt like so… what was he doing? She looked down her body into his lust darken, smug blue eyes.

"Are you licking pi?" She panted, smiling, he nodded, clearly pleased she noticed before diving back in. Amy's head fell, back. He knew pi to over a thousand places. He wasn't going to need nearly that many. "Oh, god more sixes!" She screamed before she could stop herself. This made him turn his head and laugh into her thigh.

"That was a four." Sheldon gasped, "I am losing precision." He positioned himself between her legs before kissing her, deeply, letting her taste herself sighing as her sweet little tongue lapped at his lips. "I know you are ready, Amy. Your pussy is so wet," he pushed fully into her with one go. "You are my girl. I love you so much…"

They hit their rhythm and soon were a writhing ball of animalistic intellect and sweaty hot genius. Amy managed to roll him on his back, this time pinning him, "You have to promise." She moaned, not ceasing riding him, "You can't leave me again.. not ever."

Sheldon panted, "Never." Lost in pleasure, he might have promised anything.

Glaring down, Amy slapped the mattress next to his head, "No!" his eyes opened, shocked, "you have to really promise that you aren't ever going to do that to me ever again, Sheldon." She suddenly felt like she might be crying. When Sheldon, sat up and pulled her into a hard hug, she started sobbing.

"I am not going to leave you again." He said into her ear, "Not in that way or any other stupid way? I am staying where you are. I'll go with you if you need to leave." He pulled back and looked into her eyes, "I'll tell you that as often as you need me to. Until you know it's true."

Amy nodded and looked down, "Today is Saturday. On Wednesday morning, I knew I'd never let you lay a hand on me." Here she smiled, "Today I let you lick pi into my pussy for 9 minutes." She marveled.

"Yeah," Sheldon agreed, "Today's been a really good day."

Exasperated, Amy threw herself into his arms, pushing him onto his back. She smiled at him. "You're right. Today's the best. Make me happy with your stupid penis."


	21. And so… Dinner

_Thanks for the reviews! You guys gave me the will to go on. And yes, I meant to write Lenny like that. For me this is them IC._

_Disclaimers, Voldemort Lorre, Bill Vader, Jar Jar Molaro and WB own everything_

**And so… Dinner**

Debbie had come back to the house alone, even after Penny tried to insist she needed to drop off Sheldon's suitcase. Penny and Leonard were going to see them for dinner and it was bad enough Debbie, herself, was intruding on their time together.

Sheldon had been extremely grateful to get clean clothes and the lunch Debbie had brought back for them. Amy had encouraged him to get to know Mrs. Wolowitz as a person not as a mom. That was still hard when she kept giving Amy cranberry juice and speaking about the importance of keeping her hydrated. Amy drank the juice and gave him a glance that said, "I know what this is about, you don't need to."

Debbie was trying to be pleasant house guest, she suggested they watch some Oscar bait off Netflix, correctly predicting, the couple would pass out together on the sofa. Sheldon sprawled in his spot, Amy curled up next to him. Snagging an a quilt off her bed she draped it over the pair. With a determined sigh, she began to climb the stairs. With Amy and Stuart's help, she'd gotten more active and had lost quite a bit of weight, (who knew gluten was poison?) but her knees were still shot. Those two were her darling, patient children. She loved Howard and Bernadette, but they were feisty, loud and impatient, like her. Stuart was kind and Amy was smarter than her. It had been a fun summer. Once she got to the top of the stairs, she rolled her eyes and the scent, oh yeah, there'd been a whole lot of sex up here. She gathered the linens and towels into a basket.

By the time the laundry was done, it was time for the kids to go out for dinner, "Rise and shine, sleepy heads…" She called.

Sheldon awoke with a start looking terrified, knocking Amy off his lap/her pillow. "Amy!"

"I'm up! I'm up!" Amy glanced around the room also slightly freaked out.

"You need to get ready to out with Leonard and the little blond girl." Debbie said, helping Amy off the floor. "Sheldon, dear, grab Amy her glasses. The go upstairs and change clothes." They were adorably slow when they got up from their nap. Like puppies. "And take that with you."

A respectacled Amy stared at the basket, "You washed the bed linen and towels?"

"What fabric softener did you use?" Sheldon asked curiously.

"A knock off brand. I bought it off a shady character in the Sav-on parking lot." Amy said sarcastically. "Of course, I still use the completely dye free, fragrance free…"

"If she uses detergent with fragrances, it brings on an itchy rash," Debbie nodded. "I found that out."

"Oh, yeah. Me too." Sheldon agreed, smiling. "You have to put mittens on her and tie her hands to the bed."

"What you kids do upstairs is none of my beeswax." Debbie said holding her hands up, "I just think you both should remember you don't need to have all the sex right up front. You can save some for latter." She zipped her lips, "That is all I am going to say."

"I don't really know what that meant, but you washed the sex sheets, so thank you." Sheldon said taking the basket up stairs.

"Watch out for your knees, lady," Amy poked.

"Watch out for your urinary tract, girly girl. Bladder infections have ruined more honeymoons than realizing you married a psychopath." Debbie pointed back. "Personally, my honeymoon was more than magic…I got a sociopath and pelvic inflammation."

"Have I told you before you should write romance novels?" Amy asked walking up the stairs. "It had been the most magical night of the young girl's life but when she woke the next day there was a dead sparrow nailed to the bedside table and it burned like lava when she went to tinkle."

"Don't joke. You would read the book." Debbie nodded.

"I would read the **hell** out of that book," Amy called.

Amy elected to drive Sheldon and herself to the restaurant. They'd meet Leonard and Penny there rather than car pool.

"Penny's going to gloat." Amy told him with a knowing glance. "If she says "See I told you it was for the best, I am going to have to drive a fork through her temple. You understand, don't you, hon?"

"Is that what she said to you?" Sheldon asked wide eyed, "What else did she say?"

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?" Sheldon looked like he smelled a fart. "If you love something, set it free…" Amy heard him make a strangled noise, "One day at a time, Ames, one day at a time."

"Did she make you recite the serenity prayer or give a plaque of the poem "Footprints"?" Sheldon asked, "If you want to stab her through the temple with a fork in lieu of saying hello, I've got your back, little lady."

"Also, they may want to talk about you moving to 4B again." Amy warned.

"I can't live in 4B. I am over 6ft tall. That place is like a hobbit hole." Sheldon shook his head. He glanced at Amy. She nodded in agreement.

"Her shower is really narrow too. You'll bust your elbows trying to wash your hair. And people have to traipse through your bedroom to get to your bedroom to get to your bathroom." Amy noted. "Just tell them you won't move. You can't make him move, but he can't make you move either. If they bring that up, I've got your back."

"Thank you." Sheldon felt disappointed. Amy hadn't brought up him moving into her house at all. Not once. She had 3 bedrooms, 2 ½ bathrooms... Living together would makes somesense.

The restaurant was very nice. Penny, of course looked beautiful and Amy complimented her. Penny beamed looking at Amy's smart dress, "Your body looks tight, girl. But you still keep it too covered up. The bridesmaids dresses are going to be strapless minis."

"So you expect Amy to wear spangled, extra -long tube top to your wedding?" Sheldon asked, looking as if the fart scent had returned, "How Amy."

"It'll be classier than that, besides you'll love it." Penny assured him. "Now that you two are," Penny grabbed Amy's and squeezed with a big smile on her face, "Intimate and everything." She squeaked and put her head down on her friends arm, shivering with joy and righteousness.

Amy glanced at Sheldon and Leonard, "She needs to go powder her nose. I need to accompany her for moral support. Order her a cabernet and me a double Cape Cod, with extra cranberry juice and less ice."

Once they got in the ladies room, Penny hugged Amy, "I am so happy for you!"

"I can see that. Thank you." Amy responded. There was still a wall there between them. She just didn't know how climb it. Or if she wanted to. Penny grabbed her hand and pulled her to sit on the sofa.

"Well tell me everything!" the blonde demanded.

"No." Amy said, simply.

"No?" Penny looked incredulous. "Did you tell Emily and Bernie things? You can tell them, but not me."

"I didn't tell them anything beyond what you know. Sheldon and I are back together and we lost on virginities together on Friday afternoon. And so far so good." Amy nodded.

"What's wrong here? You used to tell me everything whether I wanted to hear it or not!"

"Maybe that is the attitude that makes me reticent now. I needed you last summer and I couldn't rely on you." Amy said looking down. "When you weren't annoyed at me for being at the apartment, you were just a cliché machine. The unhelpful sort."

"That's you projecting your insecurities over Sheldon leaving on to every body else, Amy. I was a great friend this summer. You just wanted Yes-women around."

"Have you met my bitch posse? Yes-women?" Amy stood up. "Penny I worshipped you because I didn't see you clearly. I still love you as a friend, but it's never going to be the same. I saw clearly how much your regard for me was an offshoot of your friendship with Sheldon. Without him, I am nothing to you.."

"You are so fucking stubborn and that is not even close to true," Penny stood up furiously, "How did Sheldon woo you back, anyway?"

"He proved himself to me. Proved that he'd thought of me all along. That he'd loved me." Amy responded.

"How?" Penny asked, dreamily.

"He wrote me a basically a letter a day all summer and kept them in 3 subject notebook. He gave me the notebook to read." Amy replied, knowing what was coming.

"That is so romantic!" Penny threw herself in Amy's arms again.

"Your listening comprehension are skills are so bad…" Amy muttered.

"Nah." Penny said pulling back, "I am just going to muscle my way back in. You know you love me." She bumped hips with the brunette.

"I do." Amy admitted, "You are a narcisstic bitch, I love ya. But quit gloating."

When the girls rejoined the table, their drinks were already there, Amy leaned in to kiss Sheldon, "Everything is fine." He licked her ear in response.

"So how is it having Howard' mom as a houseguest?" Penny asked pulling a face.

"Excellent, so far. She washed the towels and bed linens when we feel asleep on the sofa, " Sheldon noted Amy frown, "but it's bad for her knees so we don't encourage it."

"I can't believe we haven't been to your house yet." Leonard said.

"Come over on Wednesday, I'll cook for everyone. Or I'll help Rajesh and Debbie cook for everyone." Amy smiled.

"I am sorry." Penny began indicating no regret, "I just can't imagine having that woman as a friend. It would be _awful!" _Penny giggled having amused herself. "Are you on community service?"

Leonard continued the thought process, "How did you two become close?" he asked with a grin.

"When she was injured, I would go over to give Stuart a break and hang out with her. She's very funny and charming. It's been like having a mother who understands and approves of me. I helped her switch to a gluten free diet which decreased her stomach bloat like crazy amount. We got her walking outside every day. She's lost quite a bit of weight. But I would like her no matter what. She is the furthest thing there is from _**awful.**_" Amy glared.

"fine." Penny sulked, "Change of subject. When are you guys moving in together?"

"We aren't" Amy declared.

"No right away…." Sheldon hedged.

"What?" Amy looked at him, "I haven't spoken to you about moving in." She snapped.

"I assumed you'd still want to." He replied, "You sue wanted to last spring."

"Your reaction, their reaction, taught me I was over reaching when I dared to dream. Besides, I just bought the house, I am living there alone for the time being. You left me because I want to shift our relationship out of neutral and into first gear. I am not going to push things now." Amy said her face growing hot. She felt like she was being ganged up on.

"You know that's not how it was! I've told…"

"Amy, you aren't being fair, of course Sheldon wants to…

"Amy it's like my ankle tattoo says, Carpe diem.. " Penny slurred.

Amy got to her feet, "You Penny, that doesn't mean seize the crap by the way. And they spelled it wrong. Yours says Crepe Dime." Visibly pushing down her emotions, Amy turned to the group, "Sheldon, I can't deal with you right now because I know these are your best friends, but when I see you three together, I just… I can't be a part of this dysfunction. I don't belong with you people. Call me tomorrow, Sheldon." Amy threw her napkin down and stalked out of the restaurant. Sheldon stood up and gaped after her.

"I had her back… all I had to do to keep her happy and stay at her house forever was not come dinner with…" he whirled on Leonard and Penny, "You people. She was happy, lovely and sweet all day, then you people." He paused, "If Amy won't ask me to live with her, I am not moving out of 4A, bet your life on that. You can live in 4B or get an house like grown ups."

"Sheldon," Leonard got to his feet. "That is my apartment too."

"Why Leonard," Sheldon loomed over him, "Don't you know change can be a good thing? Don't be so afraid of it." he stormed toward the door, "I am not leaving the apartment. But I don't want to live with you two forever either. Make up your minds."


	22. The Lack of Follow Up

_Usual Disclaimers. _

_Things were going too smoothly and hot sex can't fix everything._

**The Lack of Follow Up**

Amy flew past Debbie with a curt, "Not right now, Debbie!" and fled upstairs. That was so stupid and childish... Who did she think she was? Beyoncé? Amy felt light headed as she began to pace. All those things she'd said, not even all the things she wanted to say or could have said about the great friendship. They were Harry Potter, Ron and Hermione. She was Ginny Weasley. Her back story was vague and open to interpretation. She might be cool, but who cared? She might end up with Harry Potter, but it would be a cop out.

Sheldon wanted to move in now? Since fucking when? Amy grabbed the notebook and started looking for any passage that didn't indicate that co-habitation with her would be a mistake like no other. That marriage might be a possibility before the zombie apocalypse. Why bring this up now? Why ruin things with this divisive issue?

Because, there were outside agendas. 2/3's of the gang wanted Sheldon out of his apartment. So as in any gang disagreement, she'd been pulled in by Penny or Sheldon if they were the outsider, to be on their team. If Leonard was the outsider, then he could just swing from a rope and Amy's input would be unnecessary, thank you.

Oh, God she didn't know how much she hated that petty dynamic until she didn't have to deal with it anymore. The whining, the childish bickering, the meanness of it all. They were so rude to one another, and to everyone else. They'd send Sheldon into a tailspin and then act like she was out of line for being miffed about having to right his course in any way she could think of. It was her job. Quit whining and do it.

But God forbid she try to evade the kvetching for a night and hang out with someone who actually liked her and listened when she told her boring stories (not as exciting as the tale of the faux ape fur in the ass crack crisis day 11) and who when she asked Amy for work advice listened and sometimes took it (no, listen to the unemployed actress with ape fur ass crack and Cosmo for career advice Sheldon. Solid plan). That was a sin! How dare she be so cruel?

Fuck this... just fuck. She couldn't win. Not even with sex. Sheldon would always be a lead player in the theater of the absurd and she would be forced to stage manage. She couldn't ask him to pull out of that friendship, but she couldn't be involved with him if he was part of them. She could have been friends with Leonard and Penny without Sheldon. Or been happy with Sheldon without the Lenny. But the grouping was toxic to her.

"Debbie," She yelled down the stairs, "If Sheldon or Leonard or Penny come over tonight don't answer. Okay."

"Okay, sweetie." Debbie called back.

Sheldon took a cab to the apartment and arrived first. He entered the apartment, locked the door and put the chain on. Leonard and Penny could rediscover the wonders of 4B tonight.

So, he thought, stalking into his room and slamming the door, sex doesn't fix everything. He'd given Amy ammo, she'd go through the notebook and find proof that he'd never changed his stance living with her. 'That was because I was afraid!" He threw his shoe against the door," Of Sex!" The other one followed with an even louder thump.

But he really hadn't even thought about the moving in issue since they'd reconcilled, because of the sex and Amy probably hadn't either. So the best course of action was for Leonard and Penny to bring it up at supper! After they'd insulted Amy's friendship with the lonely mother of one their mutual close friends. And Sheldon hadn't defended Amy or Debbie, so he was no better than them.

Leonard and Penny didn't know that Amy's feelings for Debbie were mutual friendship wrapped in a big warm brisket of mother/daughter love. But Sheldon knew. He'd actually been told that by Amy and Howard. In those words.

Sheldon couldn't remember defending Amy. Ever really. During the D&D game, when the others had been so mean about their relationship, he had defended neither her nor the relationship. He should have at least said something about not making her feel badly because of his short comings. But he wouldn't. He never did. The snide nasty jokes kept coming. Amy would deflect by making odd comments before anyone else could.

As time went on, the more he thought the more he saw Amy drawing away from him and Leonard and Penny. As early as, the summer before Leonard came back, she began to retreat for comfort and fun to Bernadette and Raj. Then after the scavenger hunt, to her Diamond brother, Howard.

Even after last night, Sheldon realized, he still didn't know what his leaving had actually done to Amy. As always she knew everything and he only knew the parts of her suffering she chose to tell him.

What about her father? "Oh, not in the picture." Did he pursue that or did he judge that to likely to lead to nothing, but weeping and move on? Given that he didn't know about anything about her father after 4 years...

Did she grow up in Orange County? "Mom moved around a lot for her job?" She hadn't even tried to answer that question, which by the way, he hadn't asked, Bernadette had. He'd also stopped the follow up questions because they were about to force the girls to watch Star Wars... again.

Those random, heartbreaking stories about the loneliness of her childhood and adolescence. No follow up on those either. Not from anyone in the group as far as he knew. He'd just left it in his mind at, Amy's childhood was similar to his own due to her remarkable intelligence and her advanced scientific abilities. If he'd have followed up would he have known that leaving Amy without saying good bye was worse than it seemed?

Sheldon grabbed his shoes and stormed out into the living room. He fired up his computer and began to type an email.

It was to Amy. The subject line read. _Who are you?_

_Amy, I realized tonight no matter how much I know about you, it doesn't begin to match what you've concealed. That's my fault. If I'd been diligent I might know you as well as I thought I did._

_I know you favorite novel, your love of playing Black Sabbath on your harp to display the whimsical rocker within. I know the names of your favorite scalpels and your plans of world domination through threat of zombie apocalypse. Your plan and Bernadette's._

_But how badly did I harm you when I left you? How badly has my perceived indifference added to the wounds you hide?_

_I love you Amy, but you can't forever be a mystery to me. In the past, I look back and see you wounded and rarely hear you cry out. When you do it's over friendship or love and the feeling you are being mocke or have been tricked._

_I need to see you tomorrow. Think about the question in the topline. And be prepared to tell me everything you think I never cared about._

_I apologize for not speaking up to defend your friendship with Debbie. That was wrong of me._

_Love SLC._


	23. Good Morning

_Sorry about the delay, just getting over a 5 day migraine. Jealous? Didn't think so. It's kind of a bridge chapter. All the stuff I wrote on Migraine medicine was psycho. I may publish it later._

_Usual disclaimers._

**Good Morning**

Amy had read the email before she went to sleep and chose not to respond. The tone was pleasing, but the content bothered her. It felt invasive. Also, frankly it was late in the relationship to be interrogating her on her past. Her past was part of who she was, but wasn't the whole story. If she'd allowed her life to be wholey shaped by events that were out of her control, she'd either be working above Bernadette directing her to create a race of zombies for profit or just mad sciencing around the globe as an aspiring super villainess. It would all depend on cash flow, of course.

She'd decided, at a young ate, that her will was more important than nature or nurture. Amy had developed a strong personal ethical code and had even begun to see herself as human being, eventually. Sure, events from her youth had made her scared to trust people and uncomfortable in her own skin. True, that lasted 30 odd years. 30 very odd years. But she was better now.

Sheldon could be told things, he could be allowed to know things. Amy knew that. And if they were going to be together long term, he would need to know them. He'd never gossip about her. Unless it felt like he needed to help her… and then he'd go straight to Leonard or Penny then it would go viral.

It came back to that didn't it? Everything in their relationship got filtered through Leonard and Penny first. They knew he was "working" on a physical relationship with her long before she did. They also knew that Sheldon had crowed about said physical relationship to Kripke long before he earned the right to. A fact she'd only learned this summer while fleeing Barry on her morning run. "Fowwa, did you mawk Cowpa chawse you like this wid da wockid?" She stopped because frankly she hadn't understood one word of that sentence. Then he'd regaled her with the fanciful tales Sheldon had spun of her and model rocket dildos. She'd looked at Kripke like he was compos mentis. But the phrasing… it had just sounded so… so Sheldon. She'd found Leonard in his lab firing up the coffee pot and sweated all over him until he'd told her the truth.

It had been early enough in Sheldon's petulant road trip that Amy hadn't really dared confront him. It was the same time she learned that Sheldon felt a physical relationship was a possibility. So. It wasn't like he was sharing every feeling he had with her either.

To recap, she hadn't slept and she had reached no conclusions. And it was too early to get drunk. She wanted tea. She slunk downstairs hoping not to wake Debbie.

She forgot that Debbie never sleep, "Morning kitten." She called, "How are things?"

Amy popped her head in the kitchen, "Anyway we can forget you saw me?"

"No freakin' way, make yourself some tea." Debbie said, "Then we talk."

Sheldon had slept, but he hated every moment of it. His room was inadequate. Amy had a big bed. Her sheets were nicer. She had too many pillows, but that was a small matter. She had windows on 2 sides so there was a cross breeze. Plus Amy was there and there was where she allowed him to have sex with her. Clearly her bedroom was better. Clearly she would never leave the house she owned to live in his cramped rental. A place, where shortly, Penny and Leonard would begin to bang on the door, demanding to be let in like a couple of wet horny hound dogs just so they could pee on his floors. He should just let them have the place. He had no desire to move to 4B. There were other apartments in Pasadena. Some closer to Caltech. Some closer to Amy.

He sat up. What better way to prove to Amy that he cut the cord with the horny hound dogs than moving out of their building entirely?

First the get to know you demand and now the moving out without coercion. He was a good idea machine.

"So." Debbie asked, "What happened last night. Besides you giving the lady bits a rest which they will thank you for mark my words."

"I saw my life." Amy said, "My past and my future. The four of us eating dinner. Or the three of them eating dinner and me being allowed to eat at their table. I don't like them together. Penny openly insulted me and Sheldon didn't say anything to defend me."

"He probably thought you could defend yourself." Debbie said, reasonably.

"I can. But if have him, I shouldn't always have to stand by myself. He should be on my side sometimes. Then they asked when he was moving in here!"

"That's the whole fight that made him run out!" Debbie said, "Why rub salt in that wound."

"They want him out of his apartment. The quickest way is for him to live with me. You know what he said… We haven't talked about it yet! Like it was happening! It is not happening, not for a long while."

"Darn right! Not after how he acted last time!" Debbie said with gratifying ire. "He can't move in just because he has nowhere else to go."

"That's what I said! I think. I think I said something like. I don't remember. I know I said was living alone for a while. Then I said I couldn't stand them as a group. And it got so confusing. I mean I can't make him chose between me and his best friends. So I can't give him a choice, right? I have to break it off, right?" Amy asked tearfully.

Debbie shook her head slowly, looking stern. "Sex has made you stupid." Amy looked up puzzled. "Look at that! I just confused you with simple English. That's not my Amy. Snap. Out. Of. It." She snapped her finger emphatically in front of Amy's face.

"What?" Amy sat up.

Debbie grabbed her hands. "You do not give up your man because you hate his friends. You do not leave the man you love in that sick fucked up dynamic. Do you know why?"

"I want to say… no. No, I don't." Amy peeped.

"Because it will undo the hard work he's done to be the kind of man you won't kick out of bed for eating crackers, that's why." Debbie finished, "He worked hard to come back to you less broken. Are you going to leave him in the clutches of his enablers?"

"No. No, I am not." Amy said more confidently.

"So, now you and I are going to walk to the baker around the corner that has the nice rolls. We are going to buy one each, eat them there. Go for a morning walk, come back here. Then you are going to shower and chase your man down and let him know you ain't letting him go for nothin'." Debbie shouted rousingly. "Now get your shoes on! It's like you were raised in a barn!"

"Yes!" Amy leapt to her feet, "I am seeing Howard's point how you might be kind of a pain in the ass!"

"All in a day's work my kitten." Debbie patted her check. "Move it.'


End file.
